Dealing With Trust Issues
I'm not exactly new to Poly. When I was younger I had read about it and thought it sounded like me (even though I wasn't dating at the time). Then I got older, started having relationships and did what was expected of me (staying mono). It didn't help that I had dated boys from very traditional backrounds, and my last boyfriend had some serious trust issues to the point where we broke up (he claimed I cheated on him, which never happened).
I have been with my current boyfriend for over four years. We are really happy together and are planning on getting married in a few years. We've always been really honest with each other (so when someone tried to tell him I had cheated on him, he didn't even listen to them).
As much as I love him, I was starting to feel trapped. I had been talking to a friend of mine online and we got very close. Both being in mono relationships we'd talk about if our SOs weren't around we could get together. I thought why can't I be with both? After being mono for so long, I felt guilty thinking this way.
I actually re-discovered polyamory online and realized it wasn't a phase or anything when I was younger (as I had forgotten all about it when I actually started dating). I was so happy to find out I wasn't alone. I almost thought it would be so easy to get my boyfriend to understand since he's always been open to new ideas despite his more traditional upbringing.
He isn't opposed to the idea in the way most people think. He doesn't think its cheating or "wrong". He's afraid I'll find someone better and leave him. He thinks that he isn't good enough for me. I've tried to tell him I would never leave him, but he can't get past the idea of me abandoning him.
I know he'd let me do anything I want even if he wasn't happy with it, but I could never do anything to hurt him. I love him dearly and I just don't know what to do.