Originally Posted by SNeacail
Some of your responses on your wife's board also suggest you are still assuming a great deal and have expectations that when you say one thing, 5 other things should just be obvious. While in your re-building stages, no one can assume anything is just understood. It can be annoying when it seems so obvious to you, but it really does make a difference.
Would you have been reasonable and fair if your wife had told you everything? Would you have been open to any form of negotiation at that point or would you have gone to the extreme as you are now?
Trust is not re-built overnight, expect it to take years. This also goes both ways. You have to prove that you won't go ballistic and make unreasonable demands when she does tell you everything. This is something I am extremely familiar with. I hate playing 20 questions and feeling like I have to trick the truth out of someone. It leaves such a horrible feeling in my gut and brings back such super strong (sometimes overly so for the situation) emotions that it causes problems. I've learned to just explain what each "lie" did to me and what memories and emotions it brought back, knowing that, he has been less inclined to hide stuff. This is a bad habit that has to be acknowledged and will take work (by both of you) to unlearn. It's likely a habit that was developed in childhood.
I don't assume anything when it comes to the Mrs. I got swift kick in the pants when I did that. I ask her questions, expect the truth, but still have doubts. There's little trust, so I'm supposed to believe her word is bond? No, thanks. That's a set-up for disappointment. Talking does nothing. I need to be shown. It's a long process to earn trust back. Those white lies chip away at the trust that is there. Telling me what I need to hear to get what she wants or to achieve a goal isn't OK. Its been addressed, but it's a problem that needs to be nipped in the bud.
I wouldn't have went ballistic. I never have. I don't start off upset. People make me mad. People disrespect me, and I feel inclined to dismiss them or put them out of my house just like I did when the royal Snowflake and I had that argument. You can't respect me? You don't need to be around me. There's the door, and get the hell out. That's the real reason why she has been banned from our home.
No doubt I would've been upset. I have minimal tolerance now, so my response likely would've been the same. Reasonable? The odds aren't in favour of that. I'm missing empathy for Snowflake, so her feelings are irrelevant to me at this time. If I had taken another approach, it would've been for my kids. I tried it once, and that wasn't even a strong enough force.