Thread: Matt's Thoughts
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Old 05-01-2013, 09:04 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Originally Posted by Matt View Post
I spelled out many things. I don't know how many ways. "I need time alone with my wife," can be taken. That couldn't have been more clear. Hints didn't work, so I spelled out exactly what I needed. That's why I kept saying I have been communicating and letting my needs be known.
Some of your responses on your wife's board also suggest you are still assuming a great deal and have expectations that when you say one thing, 5 other things should just be obvious. While in your re-building stages, no one can assume anything is just understood. It can be annoying when it seems so obvious to you, but it really does make a difference.

The problem I have is I asked is there anything I need to know that might change my decision about letting this relationship continue? She said no. I already don't trust my wife much. I didn't feel comfortable with that answer, so I pushed the issue in one of the next sessions. If I hadn't done that, I probably would've never heard about any of it. Lies of omission and partial disclosure aren't going to make my trust in her go up at all. It wasn't an oversight on her part. She knew what the answer would've been if I had had that info when making a decision. By her choosing to withhold information, I wasn't able to make an accurate assessment based on all the facts.
Would you have been reasonable and fair if your wife had told you everything? Would you have been open to any form of negotiation at that point or would you have gone to the extreme as you are now?

Trust is not re-built overnight, expect it to take years. This also goes both ways. You have to prove that you won't go ballistic and make unreasonable demands when she does tell you everything. This is something I am extremely familiar with. I hate playing 20 questions and feeling like I have to trick the truth out of someone. It leaves such a horrible feeling in my gut and brings back such super strong (sometimes overly so for the situation) emotions that it causes problems. I've learned to just explain what each "lie" did to me and what memories and emotions it brought back, knowing that, he has been less inclined to hide stuff. This is a bad habit that has to be acknowledged and will take work (by both of you) to unlearn. It's likely a habit that was developed in childhood.
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