Yeah, mistakes were made by all. We're human and subject to fuck-ups.
I spelled out many things. I don't know how many ways. "I need time alone with my wife," can be taken. That couldn't have been more clear. Hints didn't work, so I spelled out exactly what I needed. That's why I kept saying I have been communicating and letting my needs be known.
The problem I have is I asked is there anything I need to know that might change my decision about letting this relationship continue? She said no. I already don't trust my wife much. I didn't feel comfortable with that answer, so I pushed the issue in one of the next sessions. If I hadn't done that, I probably would've never heard about any of it. Lies of omission and partial disclosure aren't going to make my trust in her go up at all. It wasn't an oversight on her part. She knew what the answer would've been if I had had that info when making a decision. By her choosing to withhold information, I wasn't able to make an accurate assessment based on all the facts.
As far as my kid, I don't think that was an unconscious move. If it was, it would stand to reason that she'd do it with any female acquaintances of ours, my mates wives, and even the nanny. I can't shake the feeling of coercion or a planted idea. I don't know if that's my lack of trust that's making me question everything, but that feeling won't leave me. She's been around some of these people all of her life, and I've never heard her call anyone else mum. That's why it bothered me at first, and the fact that she's continuing a few years later hasn't helped.
I've dropped the title, and I still don't want her around. Aunt, special friend, godmother, aspiring mother of the year, or however it is titled, I see no purpose that she serves. Could my feelings be in the way? Presumably. Tensions are still high. Volatility is still soaring. I've agreed to talk to her, but my stance on this isn't going to change. We can talk about everything but my kids. That could be the wrong approach especially if they end up back together.