Thread: Matt's Thoughts
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Old 05-01-2013, 03:53 PM
Matt Matt is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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I didn't address the state of our marriage. We have good days and bad days. We have misunderstandings. She's slipping back into some of her old habits of not listening to me, but I say something when I see it. It's usually met with resistance, but we talk about it. It's tough.

I came back from my holiday with the intent of trying to work with my lady and her ex. I don't know why I expected things to be different. I don't know why I'd put myself through any of it again. I listened to people who kept telling me that it wouldn't be right for me to make my wife choose. I listened to people who reminded me that I signed up for this and knew what I was getting into. I listened when people said that I was the one who didn't want to be part of it, so I needed to leave. I chose to try again and negotiate my needs. Back to the same old habits of making concessions and accommodations for her relationship once again? That seemed more like the outcome. I think I was being unfair and letting my feelings get in the way before I left. It's not my place to tell my Mrs. who to love or how to conduct her life. I've apologised for that. Not entirely sure I should have but yeah, I did.

My Mrs. ended her relationship, and it wasn't what I expected. It's a shock to go from three to two. I don't want to get used to it being two of us because at any minute she may change the playbook. I'm already not that comfortable due to the lack of trust, but it's been hard to adjust to it being two of us. I chose to sleep apart for the first few weeks. Not every night but a couple of nights a week. I don't want to get my hopes up that it will stay like this forever. I don't want to get used to waking up and seeing her in the morning. I can't expect my Mrs. to deny who she is for me. I find myself wondering how happy is she really going to be in this dynamic?

I'm sure people want to know why I changed positions in regards to my kids. A few weeks ago, I realised how big a of prick I was being after talking to my kid. She missed Snowflake and spoke highly of her. I put my feelings to the side and agreed to let them continue a relationship. Snowflake and I talked briefly. Long enough for some apologies to be issued. I realised what my kid wanted was more important than what I was feeling, so I went along with it.

My Mrs. said that Snowflake had been distant. I blamed my actions and treatment of her for that. I took responsibility and realised that I had been very mean to her. I even apologised for how I handled the situation. I told her she wasn't part of the family and didn't matter. Who'd want to be around after being told that? My Mrs. didn't offer up details like my kids had been calling her and the calls were never returned. She presented it like she was probably just busy. She didn't explain that contact was initiated by her every day. When I found that out, my whole demeanor and stance changed.

It became a problem when I found out everything that happened during the time I was gone. All the details came up and out in a session. How my Mrs. invited her to join them on outings, for lunch, dinner, ballet practise, recitals, and Snowflake ignored calls, text messages, and didn't bother to talk to them at all. I was fuming. I was upset with my wife for withholding info. We're in therapy to repair the trust, and she chooses to withhold info about my kids being hurt? Then, she expected me to be OK with them continuing a relationship after that discovery was made? I took the hard stance of not letting her ex be around at all. The Mrs. tried to talk me out of it. Urging me to consider how much it would hurt her and yada yada yada. What about how she hurt our kids?

The problem is my Mrs. continued to go against my one demand after all was revealed. I was wholeheartedly against it, and she knew it. Nothing in me could support it, and what happened this past weekend? Snowflake saw one kid on Saturday and the other on Sunday. It sent me right back to that place of feeling like I still wasn't being heard. I stayed away from her and stayed quiet because I knew I'd want to argue with her. I can't go for being disrespected. When I was ready to talk, I let her know.

That's how I got to where I am today. I didn't just wake up and decide to "alienate" her for my own self-serving purposes.
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