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Old 05-01-2013, 12:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,330

I am sorry you continue to hurt.

Yes I am wounded by his gloating. However, he is not malicious and I don't think he ever intended to hurt me.
Then why does he gloat? Is he aware this is also hurtful behavior to you?

He could not ding you on purpose and could not ding you THOUGHTLESSLY either.

What I am struggling with is how I respond to that. I want him to be happy, therefore I do not want to impose 'limitations'.
You seem to be linking things that do not need to be linked.
  • He can be happy partnered with you.
  • He can be happy not partnered with you.

Could throw that out the window for a minute. Because YOU may want him to be happy just like I want you to be free of hooha. But just as I cannot wave a wand to make it so, neither can you. His happy does not apply here. Because it is not something YOU can control.

I do not want to impose "limitations"
You do not want to speak up to make known what YOU need to be comfortable in polyship? How is this you meeting your own needs?

Is he a mind reader? Nope. He cannot know what he doesn't know.

Part of you meeting your own needs is making them KNOWN.
  • Could tell him what you want, need, and have for limits/boundaries in polyship.
  • Could ask if he's willing to meet those needs so you can be happier in polyship with him.

Whether he complies or not is on him. The part that is on you is to get it OUT there. If you do not feel safe bringing things like this to his awareness because he creates a climate of GRRR in your relationship? That's telling you something.

However, I cannot ignore my own happiness. I am also struggling with his inability to see things from my perspective. It's like we've lost our ability to effectively communicate.
From my POV? If you are keeping information hidden he cannot know it.

He requested something from you.

As he and I discussed things he told me not to make him choose because he could not. It was too late to back out. I told him I would try to make this arrangement work but I did not like it.
You complied with his request and you did not ask him to choose.
You went against your OWN willingness. Not liking it at the start and for 9 mos trying this on despite not liking it. Now you are finding your feelings pinging you again -- you still do not like this.

I think he has a hinge responsibility to two GF's to meet their reasonable wants,needs, and limits in polyship. His unwilling to hear you? That's not cool. He's not a hinge who tends to his poly people well then. Maybe he's doing fine because he gets all his cookies. He doesn't feel like being accountable to the rest?

But this is not about him alone. It's about your behavior too.

Rather than listen to your smoke alarm going off (your feelings) telling you that this configuration is NOT one where your needs are met?

You seem to want to turn the smoke alarm off. So you don't have to hear it ringing. What about dealing with the fire in the house then?

You are not meeting your own needs by not articulating.
He is not meeting your needs with being a solid hinge.

Who is left to look out for your own well being then if he's not doing it and you aren't doing it either?

Again... If what you want is freedom from emotional hooha and freedom from being in an unsatiscatory polyship? And you are NOT willing to state your needs/limitations? And he is not willing to talk about this any more? Negotiation is off the table.

Which option is the path that is left on the table? To me it looks like these:
  • Staying in the polyship with him and her with no changes.
  • Leaving the polyship.

Coming to grips with that and trying to see if there are any other possible alternatives is natural. I hope you do find something. But if after looking, all that is there is just those two?

Could choose to leave the polyship. Love him from a safer distance and out of the line of fire.

Love alone is not enough. Love does not equal "staying-ness" if the situation you are in is hurtful to you. Staying another 9 mos would not be cool for you.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-01-2013 at 12:23 AM.
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