thank you GG and IP, your responses meant a lot to me. I read them a couple of times the past month.
The month has not been easy. After going back and forth and breaking up with her and getting back together en breaking up, it now looks they are really, seriously dating.
And I'm going mad! I know this sounds pretty dramatic but it's how it feels. Obsessive thoughts, judging the obsessive thoughts, wanting to reach out to him constantly for reassurance (I manage to not always do this).
When I (try) to look at reality I see this:
When he was single, he was often needier and more clingy than I liked. I withdrew from him at these moments. He's becoming more attractive now that he's becoming more unavailable and now I'm the one who's needy.
He has told all the people who are important to him that he has a new GF, but they also know about me.
Her friends know that he has another GF in another city.
She is local and he has the chance and opportunity to see her often.
She is mono and struggling with the fact that he is also in a relationship with me (and wants to feel free to pursue other possible relationships)
He tells me he loves me, wants me in his life, is happy with me, loves to be with me, wants to think about the future with me.
He says he needs to find a balance now, dividing his attention between her and me. He's never really been in 2 major relationships before.
Our communication when we are together is wonderful, open, free and intimate. We can basically talk about anything and we are not afraid to ask each other difficult questions.
So when I look at the facts as I've written them down here, I see that the reality is maybe presenting me with some uncertainties and scary things, but doesn't reality always do that, and that the major things at play here are not really something to be SO scared about.
And yet I am and I can't stop the thoughts racing and the heart beating too fast and the mind going nuts.
I am constantly torn between a) asking him for reassurance and connection all the time or b) cutting off communication for a bit and just be with myself and let him be.
GG you said this:
It's your radio station in there. You are the DJ. Could choose to change your tapes you play.
I know it's true. But it's like I am in this nightmare where the radio keeps blasting the same tune I hate and I don't understand how the machine works and can't find another tape. So instead I'm covering my ears, but it's not working.
Any advice appreciated and I think I need strong words more than nice ones