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Old 01-15-2010, 05:27 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
First is an assumed level of communication skills for all parties. Some might say that those skills can be learned (via counseling, self dedication etc) but in reality things often reach some critical mass prior to that. We'd wish otherwise but as they say - "if wishes were horses - beggars would ride".
Ah yes, the "my wife/husband doesn't understand me" approach to getting laid.... heard that one before.

Second, we have situations where the 'needs" (you know how I feel about that term ) of one simply can't be met by the other (physically, emotionally,intellectually etc) and this is a discovery that could only be made over time. There is a certain part of many of us who might struggle with presenting that to someone we loved. A fear of damaging their psyche or self worth. Certain areas are more subject to this than others.
OK, so if you don't feel that you have the courage to be honest with your spouse, that's fine. It's when the need to lie to them and cheat on their relationship with them trumps this that I have a major issue.

When someone says either of these two things and wants a relationship with me, I feel that the options are:
  1. Learn to communicate with your partner - get counselling if you have to. You obviously have some major needs that you are not getting addressed - work at your relationship.
  2. If there really is a "needs gap" then discuss it first, and agree that there is that gap there. If you aren't ready to do that, then in my opinion you aren't ready to have another relationship in additoina to that with your current partner.
  3. If neither of these work, either terminate the marriage or learn to live with the solemn promises that you made.
Yes, I'm sure this sounds harsh, and maybe conservative, but I have heard these things used as an excuse too many times to get laid. Promises made are too easily cast aside unilaterally without the knowledge of both parties in order to fulfill a personal need. Don't they mean anything any more?

Could the lesson not just as well be what we spend so much time here talking about - that we need to recognize the fact that the complexity & breadth of people's desires are unlikely to be met by any one other person and that there are productive, loving ways to deal with that ?
Sure, but loving to whom? Not the spouse that is being cheated upon at all, who this person supposedly loves and honours and respects...

I have heard some highly creative justifications for why cheating should be allowed, respected, and even included into the definition of polyamory, but they just don't fly with me, I'm afraid. I do my best to aspire to be as honest as I can with the people that I care about - having anything with someone who is lying to their spouse would eat away at me.

If others want to do it, then that's their deal, but it's really not for me.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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