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Old 01-15-2010, 05:05 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231


This is excellent
It seems to mirror questions we have and expressed in another thread we posted just prior. We must be on the same wavelength from similar observations of the reality of the world we see around us.
You however have laid it out in a better fashion than I did - kind of cutting directly to some of the central questions rather than letting them expose themselves through dialog.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
[B][SIZE="4"]To me, in a situation where someone has or wants to cheat, there is someone in the relationship not giving it 100%. When I say that I mean that they are not telling the other how they feel, not looking after themselves and their own needs, becoming resentful for various reasons;
This statement just raises some concerns for me - not because of the 'theory' behind it - which is solid, but because of the many possible extenuating factors it can't address.
First is an assumed level of communication skills for all parties. Some might say that those skills can be learned (via counseling, self dedication etc) but in reality things often reach some critical mass prior to that. We'd wish otherwise but as they say - "if wishes were horses - beggars would ride".
Second, we have situations where the 'needs" (you know how I feel about that term ) of one simply can't be met by the other (physically, emotionally,intellectually etc) and this is a discovery that could only be made over time. There is a certain part of many of us who might struggle with presenting that to someone we loved. A fear of damaging their psyche or self worth. Certain areas are more subject to this than others.

Originally Posted by RP;
What can be done if one person is giving a relationship 100% and the other isn't? Some people talk of that on here and elsewhere that they were just not getting the response from their partner that they were hoping for and eventually were whittled down to feeling they needed to desperately go and find what they need elsewhere. What does one do with that... it seems reasonable to me to practice self preservation, but how does one do it while being respectful to their partner and to their own feelings of self worth and respect.
Yea- this seems to cut to the heart of why "cheating" surfaces so often...

Originally Posted by RP
(Cheating) I think it is the single most distructive activity that is destroying family life and community life on many levels. It teaches our children that the needs of one are more important than the needs of many, it teaches others that a quick fix is the answer when it very rarely is when it comes to the complexities of relationships and it has made a society of untrust, loneliness, separation, desperation, depression, and sadness.
But a big question for me here has been MUST it be that way? Is that the ONLY lesson available ? Could the lesson not just as well be what we spend so much time here talking about - that we need to recognize the fact that the complexity & breadth of people's desires are unlikely to be met by any one other person and that there are productive, loving ways to deal with that ?

Which logically leads to the question of WHO is responsible for imparting that lesson ?

Originally Posted by RP
What can be done to take what we know about cheating and affairs and make it a useful tool so that people can be healed from it rather than hurt from it?
And so - here is indeed where we end up. WHAT - and WHO ?

Last edited by GroundedSpirit; 01-15-2010 at 05:08 PM.
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