I've been thinking about desire a lot over the past year. The desire that rises in us when we're with a new person. I like to look at the Science of desire; the release of oxytocin, and the flush of bio-chemical reactions released at the onset of a new relationship. It is an overwhelming feeling, and you find yourself wanting to tryst over and over with that new person. Things you've been doing for years with your existing partner become new, and your dopamine dumps are positively epic.
NRE is a reality that can absolutely consume us with its biochemical magic. A heady mix of chemical changes occurs - serotinin, endogenous opiods (our body's version of heroin) and oxytocin dump into our bodies, and it feels incredible.
Elemental and I have fantastic sex. Mind numbing, tear inducing, make sure the windows are closed sex. There is nothing that is off the table, and we have explored all sorts of pockets of sexuality together and have lots more to explore. I love our sexuality, and love our connection and know that my desire for him has maintained itself due to the quality of our lovemaking.
This past year has been stressful, and our sex life has taken a hit, and we are down to just a couple of times a week. For a lot of people this would be enough, but I'm PFS (pretty fucking sexual) and it's frustrating for me - I have all of this desire and sexual energy, and want to share it with Elemental as my sole male partner and most desired man in my life. We let evenings get away from us doing our own thing, and by the time we head to bed, we are too sleepy and don't make it a priority. It's a bit of a bad habit, and when amplified with some uncomfortable emotional realities from the fallout of Sync in our lives, it has been making me a little miserable.
I've been communicating this to Elemental, but don't really feel like he heard me until last night. I had a little freak out. I talked about how frustrating it is to have our sex life suffer and not be a priority, and then have him have sex with Copper three times in 24 hours. I'm down with the sex with Copper - I have no problem with that, and find the whole thing incredibly hot/compersive (is that a word? it should be....) What I do have a problem is that by comparison, I am not getting laid as much as I'd like to, and that a good solid chunk of our sex falls into the lazy/maintenance category. Heck, if he is capable of going for it that many times, surely I could get once... or at least once every two days. And it makes me realize that I have a hankering for some more chocolate with my vanilla, as well. While being with a lover at the same time certainly enhances our connection, I don't want it to be mired in that; I want to be very careful that it is part of an addition to an already hot sex life, not a substitution for one. I don't know if I'm making any sense, LOL.
I'm intellectually aware that it's explainable, and even excusable - that it's an exciting time, and should be enjoyed by all parties. It's not that I want to compare our connections, because our connections with other people will always be different than the one that we share. It's that it brings to light that feeling of wanting more sex for me. It's illuminating and amplifying, and makes me aware that it's time for me to ask/do something differently to have my needs met, and invest in our sexual connection in a more regular way.
My sexuality is part of my spirituality, in the sense that it connects me to the centre of myself, and gives me a glimpse of God in those moments of shattering, mind numbing connected union. It is so gorgeous and sensual and has a way of placing you in the present moment with its bliss and movement. I feel similarly when I dance in a crowded, dark, writhing mass of human beings. Sinking into that totally physical reality is incredible; the sheen of sweat and peace that follows, the sense of well being and connectedness to your partner, or those dancing around you or those making the music is undeniable.
We talked/yelled at each other about it, and then had some seriously excellent sex. We're both setting the intention to get serious about making sex a priority in our daily lives, and Elemental realizes that he has been neglecting my needs to a certain extent. The sex that we are having is excellent, but the byproduct of that is that it makes me want more of it! AHAHAHA.
Part of it is also preventative, and to maintain comfort with having other partners in our lives, and being compersive (see, it's a word, I'm using it in sentences like a verb! You love it! Admit it!) I know that it would become an issue for me - can feel that little scratchy itchy thing in my soul about it, and I am like, I Am Fucking Talking About This Right Away Not In A Month! I don't want to compare our relationship up against NRE - NRE is so damn exciting! But I can't help being a bit pissed that he has that level of desire swarm him but not also want to engage in hotsa and lotsa sex with me. Me? Compare? Nope. That'd be bad. Okay, maybe I am comparing a bit. AHAHAHAHA. I am. It's true. And it's making me pissed that I have to be horny and not get schtupped when I know he has it in him. I am so mature right now. But back to science and important sounding sentences....
Those hormone dumps lessen over time, but the re-manufacture of desire, and the continuation of deep, shared connection doesn't have to. I want our relationship to be healthy, sexy, fun, supportive, inclusive and amazing - and great/frequent sex is definitely part of that equation for me.
Desire.... I don't want to lose that desire in my life, and I don't want to become addicted to the headiness of new partners and neglect my existing one. I want both. AHAHAHAHA. Joking. Sort of.
I love the excitement of a new partner, but that doesn't take away from my daily desire for Elemental and I to connect, and never want to substitute one for the other. Nuh uh. Nope. Nuh uh.
Yep, thinking. It's good for me. Most of the time.