you have to be careful of bad patterns in your life
In general, it will make a world of difference in your ability to see, hear, and act from a point of clarity if you end certain unhealthy relationships before you begin the same type of relationship with another. When people do not, the other relationship can and does affect other relationships, and you will likely be blind to the effect it has. The biggest red flag is when the relationship you are leaving wasn't unhealthy or bad until the other relationship began to have an effect. And it is all but impossible for you to be able to see it without another person's perspective unless you are extremely adept at looking at things from all angles.
It gets way more complicated and harder to untangle what is going on in poly relationships.
As far as the threats, that is not a healthy kind of love at all. I think everyone has gotten angry in their lifetime and had crazy thoughts like that, and depending on the details it could be normal, but could also be very dangerous. I know good people who have made the mistake of getting physically aggressive with their partners, but people who do it more than one or twice, and do not realize that no matter how much you love each other, you cannot be together until you get help learning how be in healthy relationships. Trying to remain in a relationship like that is dangerous.
To be honest, you should think about dumping both of them. Poly doesn't work for people who do not understand what a healthy relationship is, which also entails recognizing the patterns that are not healthy and being wise enough to get help before continuing on.
I am sorry for you and your husband, it isn't easy to figure out how to have healthy polyships. If you aren't on stable ground when you start, attempting it without being ready is disastrous.
What does your boyfriend have to say about how your husband's feeling? If he doesn't care that your husband is having a hard time, poly will never work with him in the relationship. When a metamour is wounded anybody adding salt to the wounds isn't poly unless you have all desire and consent to fulltime sadomasochism dynamics, but unless you are one of them it will turn into trouble. Could that be the reason both relationships aren't working? If he is doing that, that isn't love, at least not a healthy version of it. It's right there in line with hitting your partners, which is also not love, or at least not a healthy version of it.
Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-29-2013 at 06:15 AM.