Need advice

GalaGirl said:

She's not willing for that. So that's option is not even on the table. Is she a cowgirl? I thought it was ending because of her moving/leaving too far away to sustain a relationship? Isn't that why he's traveling to see her? She's far away now? I am confused.

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It was supposed to end when she left. They would remain friends in contact. Then when he went to visit, if it was just as friends, he was okay with that. And if she still wanted casual sex while he was there, he was fine with that as well. When she eventually got back, it would be just a friendship.

She is now saying she can't do that. She can't bear to see him with me. She wants to settle down and have kids, and if she can't do that with him, she doesn't want to even be friends with him, because it will be too painful for her.

Since I have been with him, and we have had kids, we have only really had each other. We moved towns, so have had to make new friends.

He doesn't do anything but work, then come home. We don't socialise much.

He found her. She is his only friend. I think he is very scared to lose that, as well. I've tried to push him to go out with work colleagues, etc., but he avoids work dos.

I have friends, but only because of my children. I don't have a lifelong friend that I can talk to. (I can't talk to my mum. She has issues of her own. She's on antidepressants because she is still struggling with life after she and my dad broke up [which was 13 yrs ago!]).

There is a 13-yr age difference between Mr and me.

We have talked about travelling when the kids are a little older, and when I have a job, etc. Part of the reason he is going to go see her is because he has this theory he will be too old to travel when the kids are old enough. So he wants to get out there while he still can, which means not with me, because we have no one we can trust to leave our kids with for multiple weeks.

I don't know if what I'm writing makes any sense at all. I'm so messed up at the moment.

It does make sense. It makes perfect sense. You are an accessory that comes with the kids.

How old are you? How old is the Mr? It sounds like he's having one of those "mid-life-- must feel young again" crises. I'd bet that's what seems so appealing about the girlfriend. Is she much younger than him too? If he thinks he'll be too old to have fun when your kids are grown, what does he think will happen if he starts a new family with the girlfriend?

I still can't believe he invited you to their wedding, which he says will be in two years!

He said he wanted to know my reaction, to see if I would be harsh and spiteful, or wanted to be a caring friend and wish him all the best.

Greenjade said:

He said he wanted to know my reaction, to see if I would be harsh and spiteful, or wanted to be a caring friend and wish him all the best.

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That's cruel.

I'm in my twenties, he is in his thirties, and she is two years older than me.

Greenjade said:

He just asked me if I would come to their wedding in two yrs if they got married. I said no [...] He said I was being silly and that wasn't true.

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Even more than asking the question at all, it's terrible of him to dismiss your feelings by saying that you're being "silly" and that what you feel isn't true. A broken heart can absolutely last more than two years. Does he really not realize that, or does he not think your heart would be broken by him leaving? And, if not, why on earth would he think that other than, as BG suggested, that he's already moved on himself, and doesn't have the empathy to understand that you haven't?

I'm so sorry. What an awful situation. He really needs to step back and realize how cruel his words are, if nothing else.

Greenjade said:

I'm in my twenties, he is in his thirties, and she is two years older than me.

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That's not even old. What do you mean he thinks he'll be "too old" to travel when the kids get older? This guy is out of touch with reality. Sorry, but that's just all there is to it.

Your husband is spewing ridiculousness. What the bloody dickens would make him even think that asking that was appropriate? It sounds like he has moved on, and is planning a wedding and having children with someone else while you two are still married.

I do not blame you one bit for wanting him to decide. You deserve better. His hypothetical scenarios are probably his real thoughts. Shame on that woman, too. She is aspiring to be a homewrecker. I know that is not ethical non-monogamy. If your husband can be stolen and swayed that easily, let him go, because he was never "yours" to begin with. He cannot be silly enough to not realise that things he is imagining are not hurtful. BG is right. Your hubby is out of touch with reality.

What a sad situation.

He could be PRETENDING to be out of touch with reality for certain reasons. There have been other stories where it looked like one partner was checking out of the relationship, but instead of breaking up, they would do things or say things that were supposed to get the other person to break up with them. That's so they could say to other people that they got "dumped," and it makes them look like less of a villain when they immediately go and shack up with the new person.

This is not a new thing, this goes on all the time, especially with "serial monogamy/monogamists."

When I say travel, I mean like adventure travel. Climbing mountains, bungee jumping, etc. Stuff that when you're older, you're more than likely not going to be physically able to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm planning a trip in Europe for next year, so it's not like I'm missing out, or anything like that.

He'd better get cracking then. Not a moment to lose. Get that bucket list out of the way. A good way to accomplish that is to go make babies with a new woman.

Yes, people, that was sarcastic. But I'm not being abusive or ridiculing anyone (maybe the husband, but people are doing that without sarcasm). I'm saying something that is the opposite of what a reasonable person would do to make a point.

And he thinks that in his 40s/50s, he will be too old? I know people in their 60s that are in better shape than people in their 20s and 30s because they were active all along.

I can understand having a bucket list, but that still does not excuse the hypothetical scenario that you and he will end up divorced and him asking you if you would attend his wedding with the woman he basically would have left you for. I seriously wonder what made him think that was even remotely okay. That takes a lot of balls to even suggest. You are better than me.

What kind of feedback do you need at this time? His asking you to his future wedding -- that's bargaining talk. He's trying to make two things fit in the same place -- where he can have a close relationship with her and still have one with you. Toy could ignore it as nonsense because you know your willingness. And you are not up for that.

The adventure travel is also side stuff he can deal with. You have enough on your plate without taking on some of his baggage to carry too.

Where are you at now emotionally?

Are you still scared to say anything to him because you are afraid asserting yourself will lead to him making a choice? Isn't that what you want, to know where you stand, once and for all?

Do you still feel this?

I blame myself for being so stupid and not putting my foot down and saying enough is enough when I first found out he was in love with her.

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You could still put your foot down and say enough is enough. I don't know what that will mean for the relationship between you and him, but it could help you to return to right relationship with yourself so you can stop beating up on yourself, blaming yourself for not speaking up for yourself. Since you are enduring suckage anyway, it might as well be suckage where you are ok in yourself, rather than suckage where you are not ok in yourself. You could speak up, and drop that extra layer of "beating up on myself for not speaking up." Lessen the load where you can.

Yes, stop beating yourself up for not speaking up.

1) You are speaking up now. It hasn't been going on very long, really. Better late than never.

2) Even if you had "put your foot down" when you first found out he was in love, he was ALREADY in love. It probably wouldn't have made any difference. If he wants to leave you to be with her, putting your foot down won't stop that.

I think I might be done. I'm hurting too much. I'm thinking about telling him he can just have her. When I think about telling him, this calm/numbness washes over me. Maybe it's for the best. If he loves her more then me, then there is no point, right? I can't do this forever.

Edit: He hasn't said he loves her more than me, it is just starting to feel like it's heading in that direction...

It is not necessarily that he does love her more Greenjade. He just can't understand NRE. If we had a penny for every time someone left a current partner for someone they are in NRE with, and then, after the NRE dissipates, they think 'What the heck have I done?'-- well, I could plaster my floors in pennies. I have even seen it happen in my family more than once with one guy just chasing NRE.

Sorry, what is NRE?

I just feel like it should be easy. He broke the rules. Shouldn't he just choose me, his kids, his family? Why is it so hard for him to choose? He keeps saying he loves me and there is nothing wrong with our relationship. Then why would he even consider leaving us? Everything we have been though, everything we have worked hard for, why give that up?

NRE is New Relationship Energy, that love crack that makes you a bit crazy. Or Crazy in Lurve....how some people would see it. Anyway, it is temporary.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_relationship_energy

Greenjade said:

I just feel like it should be easy. He broke the rules.

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Well, some would say rules are made to be broken. I honestly think people tend to put too much faith in rules. At the end of the day, you can't force someone to do something they don't want to, and feelings can't be controlled, anyway.

Shouldn't he just choose me, his kids, his family?

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Not if he doesn't want to choose you. And let's be honest, that is the root of the situation, really.

Do you really want a man who doesn't actually want you, but is with you because he feels obligated? Would you really feel fulfilled and happy?

Why is it so hard for him to choose? He keeps saying he loves me and there is nothing wrong with our relationship. Then why would he even consider leaving us? Everything we have been though, everything we have worked hard for, why give that up?

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Because he wants to? Because it doesn't mean as much to him as it does to you? There can be loads of reasons. People are complex and sometimes selfish and stupid. You can't control his actions, but you can control yours.

I am sorry you are hurting and struggling.

If you feel like you are done, tell him you are done. He has to choose and give you a response by X time (e.g., end of the week or something else).

Otherwise your only other option is for you to choose yourself, and start moving out of this picture, even if you still love him. just to start moving away from this yuck, because you have your own well-being (and the kids' well-being) to look out for, and cannot live in limbo land forever.

There's is freedom TO and freedom FROM. You sound like you need the freedom FROM emotional hoohah and to be moving TO the place of healing. With or without him, painful as that is.

I hope things get better for you.