I had a rough week – and the annoying part is...there is no fucking reason for it! Everything is actually FINE. Yes, there is stress at work – but no more that usual. The boys are actually working on the old house – slower than I would choose but an improvement over the “none” that was happening before. MrS is fine – he is not depressed or upset about anything. Dude is fine – no existential angst or dwelling on old dysfunctional family shit. Nothing is different, yet...I find myself in a state of almost-panic. It's not “about” anything. (This is what is so hard to fathom/explain.)
I have some sort of “Anxiety Disorder” (probably GAD) – I recognize it, my father has it (I am so like him in so many ways). But, usually, this manifests as an anxious state in “response” to something (some “trigger”) but WAY out of proportion. For instance, MrS will make a snippy response to something because he is tired or just annoyed and I will roll that into a whole mental hamster wheel about how he is fundamentally unhappy with our situation and poly and x and y and z...etc. I will then recognize that I am on said “hamster wheel” and can talk myself down, ask MrS for the reassurances that I need, and “get over” it. OR, I will have too many deadlines to meet or too many responsibilities piled on me at work and get myself into a state where all of this is pressing down on me and I can't sleep and I dwell on all of the “work” I have to do. I will then recognize that I am only one person and there are so many hours in the day and I can consciously choose to prioritize the things that are actually important and let the other ones go (So what if deadlines don't get met? So what if meaningless scut-work doesn't get done? Pick the stuff that affects actual people, do that, and move on. Your bureaucracy is not my problem.)
This week though...JEESH! I have this sense of doom with NO direction at all. Like I am waiting for the “other shoe to drop” ….but there was no “first shoe” to instigate it. Like when you wake up at three AM and remember that there is this “really important thing” that you forgot to do...but there IS NO “really important thing.” I tell myself it's just anxiety – doesn't help. My heart is pounding, I can't breathe, I'm shaking. Dude tries to hold me - “What's wrong honey?” Nothing, there is NOTHING FUCKING WRONG – “I'm just feeling anxious...about nothing.” Literally – nothing. There is not a single blessed thing that I am actually worried about – so there is nothing to talk myself down from. MrS looks worried - “Are you okay?” Yes, I'm fine – except I feel like I am going to implode. Nobody has done anything, said anything … but … It feels like something really awful is going to come to light any second now and somehow it will be ALL MY FAULT. (What?! Where?! Seriously, I haven't done ANYTHING different.) How can I argue myself out of feeling bad about “it” when there is no “it”? God-damn-it.
I had some hints that this was coming on over the past weeks – fleeting panics out of proportion the the “threat”. So I did restart the SSRI that I have used in the past (I'm more reluctant to do this than previously, however, since I do notice a decrease in libido that will affect my relationship with Dude, which is much more “physical sex” based than my relationship with MrS). Do I need to go back to counseling? I “did” three months of counseling a few years ago when the stresses of a big deadline/ a big family event/ and stress of infertility all came to a head at the same time. (It was helpful – the deadline passed, the family event was over, and I started to come to terms with the idea that I would likely never bear a biological child). But now? With no “triggers” to talk about?
PS. Today was a good day. Work was lighter than usual. I got a bunch of stuff done that was piling up. And I wasn't in a panic. Maybe the meds are kicking in...or maybe I was being “triggered” by stuff I didn't recognize... we'll see.
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (22+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
TT: poly male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ
My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe