It's my birthday this weekend.
I'm having a big party, cooking dinner for 30 friends. I LOVE my birthday, to me it's a day to be with friends and loved ones, to think about the past year, and to think about what I want to accomplish the next.
C is coming, and spending the night.. he's met many of my friends by now, yet having him there on my birthday seems like a big deal. We're in a good place.
I also invited MrB, I don't think he will come, in fact it would not surprise me if I did not hear from him today at all. I am trying to not let it get to me too much. I always say I trust him completely, well that means I have to accept him, too.. and to accept that he doesn't do things to please me, ever.
We had a fabulous date last weekend.. lots of new D/s stuff (he tied me up, hurt me a little, dominated me in all sorts of lovely ways) but also lots of cuddles, talks about everything. He is who he is and sometimes that frustrates me, on the other hand, I am never afraid of losing him, like I am afraid of losing C. It's all so very interesting, this need for control, the desire to let go, the exploring of the boundaries.
I was in the park near my house today and feeling a little upset and anxious. I decided to pick a tree, one that I pass almost every day, and use it as my symbol for freedom. Something that whenever I look at it, will remind me that I am free, to be and do whatever I want, to make my own decisions. To reaffirm that my own life is the only thing I have control over, to accept that loss is inevitable, to embrace the present.
BGuy got in touch again and we have a date next week. I wasn't even that set on seeing him again.. but, I consider myself a pretty good judge of character, and it irked me that I had to think I was wrong about him. So I'm very glad I wasn't wrong about him, and I'm looking forward to a night of great conversations and hopefully a nice make out session
I was reading through the last posts of the blog and I realize I haven't talked about Ren much. Things are really good between us, and pretty uneventful. I do find that with all the other stuff that's going on, we need to make the extra effort to connect and spend time together. It's easy to let each other slip to the bottom of the priorties list because we 'see each other every day anyway'.
Things with Lou are tense as always. I'm working real hard at letting him just BE in this relationship, not judge him for his decisions. It works sometimes, not all the time ... she added another lover, who is cheating on his wife... makes it hard to have any sympathy for her at all. She just sent me a birthday wish.. I deleted it immediately.. I just don't want to have any communication with her. The biggest challenge is still to accept that Ren loves her. He is is own person and free to love whoever he wants. But its not always easy. I do long for the day where he will have GF I like and want to hang out with!