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Old 04-26-2013, 01:02 AM
Lilla Lilla is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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Today's been pretty good. Spoke to L and TG both via txt a lot today, and got a chance to ring them both before bed. Teaching tomorrow then travelling to see L, got a load of things I need to do, but the current pain in my leg is telling me to do it in the morning.

Also had a really productive convo with my housemate. She knows bits already, but doesn't fully understand the world and its terms. So taught her about compersion, triads and vees, as well as the different dating/openness restrictions different relationships have.

Another thing we discussed was the idea of poly as a lifestyle. TG is mono, he chooses to be with me despite this, and is easily capable of accepting L and feeling compersion. In addition to being close to L as platonic friends. It is a lifestyle choice but he has done it because of the feelings he has for me.

L also chose to do this, but he is contemplating poly as an identity and currently figuring out if he could take a second partner. Personally, I dont feel I had a choice I was happy being monogamous with L, but occasionally I would feel twinges of emotion for someone else, and feel the worst person in the world. Until I understood what polamory was. Even then, I am picky. It takes a lot for me to take the risk to date someone, but when I feel that strong connection, I fall for them hard and longterm.

With TG it was strong enough for me to need to negotiate with L about creating the vee. Something that so far has been positive to all 3 of us. And the friends and family (only TGs know) we've told have all been positive.

However, this is where my fear kicks in. I identify as bisexual, though pansexual is possibly more accurate. But ive never officially come out as such. Friends know, I dont hide it. I just am. Ive also never come out to my family. I dont have the need and I know my mum could never understand me being bi.

With poly, potentially within the dance community and to my family, one day I might have to come out. Since all 3 of us have discussed this and want to work as our own family long term, I will use my current partners as an example. If I am going to love two men for the rest of my life, how could I choose just one to marry, just one to have kids with. Eventhough it goes against every typical idea of marriage, white picket fence and one father to kids, and an ideal I used to hold for myself. I'm no longer so sure if I could do it.

I would rather have some kind of commitment ceremony where neither would be cut out, and have children with both. But only if I, L and TG felt we could handle it and as a vee, provide a strong, positive, non broken upbringing to children. Obviously if L decided he was poly and had another gf at this point, this could confuse matters further, but ignoring that for now.

Anyway, whilst I knew it in my heart, it was only speaking with my housemate tonight I admitted out loud my mum would disown me for being poly. Im pretty sure she would if I was mono and had a child outside wedlock. Its just the way she is. But it makes me stressed knowing this, eventhough I know a lot of these issues are theoretical and/or years away.

Anyway, im possibly failing to make sense again due to tired and typing on phone. So gonna go to bed.
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