No Easy Solution.
So sorry that you have been subjected to this kind of dishonesty, sneaking and betrayal; there is a lot going on for you emotionally right now, and I am glad that you found these boards.
I want to both ask some questions, and give you some advice - the latter will most likely be less helpful than the former, but I think it's worth the risk of putting it forward to you.
My questions are:
1) Have you ever been in a 'triad' before?
2) Have you had your own girlfriend before?
3) Were you independently attracted to her before this happened?
4) Have you been dealing with deception from your partner in the past?
5) Why would you want this woman in YOUR life, not your collective life, but your life?
My advice is:
Do not move this woman in with you, and do not create a triad. Triads are the Olympics of polyamory, yet they're something that people new to poly seem to gravitate to. I had been poly in all other manners possible with everyone staying pretty happy and emotionally balanced, and then tried a triad; the first time was awesome, but the second one was TERRIBLE. It knocked me flat on my emotional ass over, and over again. The reason? My partner struggled with honesty, respect, boundaries and integrity in that triad. Until you sort out the issues with the deception, lying, sneaking and the culminating emotional/sexually based txting affair that he has been doing, starting a triad will most likely explode your life in your face. I don't want this for you, at all. It's grueling, intense and will create chaos in your emotional and physical world, and your relationship.
It's not that the idea of it isn't cool of you; to share your life, and attempt to make room for that connection to be lived in the light. You obviously have a huge heart, integrity, and a solid commitment to being a good partner. My advice lies around the fact that your partner does not seem to be exhibiting the same qualities, and that is already creating toxicity, upset and feelings of betrayal (for his wrongs) and shame (for your snooping).
If you ever want to private message me and talk, feel free.
My advice, and everyone else's advice comes from a place of wanting everyone to be happy. You'll find different perspectives, some of which are going to upset you and piss you off at times; examine all of it, and listen to your heart. Go for walks or runs, listen to music that you love, have hot baths, meditate or pray or just still your mind in the ways that you know how so that you can hear what YOU really want, free of anyone else's agenda, opinions or desires. This is YOUR life, and your reality, and you don't need to centre it around your partner's life/questionable values; you need to find the answer that is right for YOU. Pleasing people has its place, but the centre emotional relationship that exists in your life is not that place.
Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 04-25-2013 at 04:42 PM.