That's messed up, hon. I'm sorry you are dealing with this.
Here's the summary --
- He steals your sex toy.
- He mails it to her without your consent and knowledge.
- When you wonder about the care package you sent, he is secretive/defensive.
- You know his lying habits so are suspicious. (So he's a chronic liar?)
- You snoop in his text and confirm he's up to shenanigans exhcnaging dirty pictures. Is this cheating under your current relationship agreements? For sure you have stealing and lying.
Your current thoughts to this are...
- worry he will be mad that you looked at his phone texts
- consider bringing his partner in dishonesty into the relationship even though your jealous button is triggering a warning that you don't feel safe here.
This is healthy or self respecting behavior how?
Snooping is not cool. While it's good YOU have a conscience, and worry about his reaction to the snooping? Could treat it separately. You could apologize for snooping. Could make appropriate amends for that. Or not. Just don't think making appropriate
amends for that is to allow MORE crazy to enter your life by having her join in as a roomie or as a dating partner!
I'm not really sure what to do. I don't want him mad, but I do want to talk to him.
He's been dishonest to various degrees all at once. That's not cool for the health of your relationship with him.
You deserve honesty in relationships right? You could have better than this behavior/treatment, right? You could talk to him about broken trust, broken boundaries and breaking up with him. Sigh.
Both of you can feel whatever they feel -- but take care of business here. In light of his poor conduct, where's the cookies for you in this kind of relationship? What makes inviting messy person into your lives more appealing to you than leaving her and him behind? I know you care for his kids... but they are not yours. You've been with him since 17 and you are 21 ish? (from your previous posts) Maybe you want more from your young adult life than this? Is it that you are financially dependent on him and cannot easily leave?
Could remember you actually don't have to talk to him if you don't feel like it. You could walk away. You could choose to love him (if you still love him) from a safer distance where you are not in the line of fire of his bad behavior. "Loving" doesn't automatically equal "staying-ness" if things in the relationship are not healthy.
If anything, this is NOT a healthy start to polyshipping. If you want to polyship, doesn't that deserve the best start/foundations you can give it? Rather than starting out all wonky?