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Old 04-25-2013, 04:30 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,524

Originally Posted by sydpowers23 View Post
...where i am having trouble is the fear that he might find someone that he loves more then me. I guess i want him to love me most and don't know if i can get past the jealousy if ever he loved someone more then me. very new to the whole poly concept so i need advice about if i am just being silly or if it is a legitamate fear and how best to deal with it
I don't think that you are being silly ... you have a fear - it needs to be addressed whether it is legitimate or not.

For myself, I don't feel that love is quantifiable in a "more than/less than" kind of way. I love each person that I love for themselves in a unique and different way - independent of the love that I have for others. Love itself is not a limited resource (although time and other factors may be which comes into play when someone is in the throes of NRE) - there is more than enough to go around.

The flip side - so what, exactly, is it that you fear would happen if he loves someone "more" (by whatever criteria means "more" to you) than he loves you - if he loves you "as much" as he did previously? If he's happier and you are getting your needs met then what are you losing? I think that this placing the symbol "more" on a higher plane than the reality of what you are actually experiencing in the reality of the relationship. (I just read a great article on placing too much emphasis on the symbols and not enough on what the symbols are actually representing...wish I could remember where it was).


PS. For the record, I am also worried about what happens when Dude (or, less likely, MrS) finds another partner and am worried about my own jealous response might be (that hasn't been tested in a very long time). "Loves them more" is not my particular hang-up - I'm still trying to figure out what it is...people are complicated .
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
SLeW: platonic girlfriend + BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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