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Old 04-25-2013, 03:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,331

You told him what you want -- to eventually build toward "going steady" and becoming "exclusive?" And he does not want that?

If so, could honor your own want then. Rather than go polyshipping just to get to be with him even though it rubs against your own grain and isn't want ye seek. Could return to being friends rather than you keep on going against your own grain. Could not stay in a polyship just to "get to be with him" if polyshipping is NOT what you really want for yourself.

i am fine with him pursuing other woman both emotionally and sexually. where i am having trouble is the fear that he might find someone that he loves more then me.
Then you are actually NOT ok with it. You are fearful of it. That could be rewritten as

"I want to be ok with it. But I am fearful of him pursuing other women both emotionally and sexually because he might find someone that he loves more than me. If that happens, then I would have to deal with _______(what? Him breaking up with you? Him staying with you but treating you badly?)"

Could you fill in the blank?

Even in a "monoamorous and monogamous" relationship situations? The risk is always there -- that one of the people fall out of love for whatever reason, and decide to end it. The only way to not deal with it at all is to not date at all.

I guess i want him to love me most and don't know if i can get past the jealousy if ever he loved someone more then me.
One way to date and still reduce this risk is to not polyship then. It is not a guarantee, but less partners = less partners. Then you don't have to deal in worrying which one he "loves the most." It's just you, or you break up. Less variables to contend with.

You could define what "loving you the most" means to you. What behaviors does he have to show you to demonstrates loving you the most? If "exclusive" is on your list? You are barking up the wrong tree here because he is not willing to provide you with "exclusive." Easier to accept it, break it off, and move on. I mean that kindly.

very new to the whole poly concept so i need advice about if i am just being silly or if it is a legitamate fear and how best to deal with it
What's the jealousy about? Fear of abandonment? Fear of loss? Competition? Something else?

Could read this article.

Could also check out this one on jealousy.

Maybe one of those could help you sort out how you feel? And what to work on if you decide to stay in this?

Could also remember that there is NOTHING wrong with wanting monoships. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting polyships. But there could be something wrong in you continuing in this if you and he have a basic incompatibility and it really isn't what you want for yourself. Could not do things you are not really willing to do with joy in your heart and soul.

That what the dating time is FOR. To get to know each other in a romantic context, sort it out between you, and find the most compatible dating partners that want the same things as you. Not all dating partners are destined to be a runner.

Hang in there -- regardless of what you decide to do about it.

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-25-2013 at 03:32 AM.
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