Assuming your stated needs are reasonable and rational needs to ask of her like in any marriage -- sharing house chores, sharing in financial responsibility, sharing childcare, spending couple time with you, etc? What's the deal with this?
Basically is was if in 6 months or a year her and GF have stronger feelings such as in love feelings and I say I'm not okay with this anymore because I am not getting the things I want. And, that i don't know that i would be okay with her continue the relationship either. What happens?
Her response was she would be resentful and we would probably get a divorce. She said it would be wrong of me to have allowed her to get into this position where she could develop feelings for someone and then tell her it was not okay anymore...
Please clarify that with her.
You wouldn't be all "Choose -- her or me!" right out of the box right? It would be "Look, I have needs unmet here. Talk to me" right?
By the same token, she wouldn't be all "instant divorce" right? It would be "Ok, talk to me then. What's going on" right?
Why jump to the extreme end on this right off?
If you bring it to her attention that your needs are going unmet at home because she seems to have gotten distracted in her marriage obligations? Her first
response will be to become resentful and mad at you and divorce you because of HER behavior choices and HER not meeting her obligations? Is that what she is saying there? When all she has to do to keep both relationships is meet her obligations to each partner?
That doesn't sound right to me.
It could have been more reassuring to hear something like "If there's a problem we will sit down and talk it out, see if the needs can be met, the happy medium we both can agree on found, solve the conflict, and get back into right relationship with each other. If we decide to talk about divorce it will be because we both agree that's the best solution because there is no other possible solution to the situation, but it isn't going to be the first "go to" thing right out of the box."
I hope things smooth out for your sake. But it seems rough going there for you and I still have the impression that she's already emotionally checked out and isn't all that keen to meet your needs in the marriage anyway. Or only meet them just enough to get her cookies.
There needs to be a talk between the three of us. I haven't been at this for very long but i know that communication and openness is the key. I'm just don't want to talk to my wife friend with out her approval. That would just cause a much larger problem with my wife. She is adamant about not wanting to talk to her friend about our marriage problems. But all things considered it is something that needs to happen. Especially if all three of us are going to be involved, which is something I want to pursue.
I think you could trust your gut there -- wanting things to be clear and honest is a good thing.
As for the wife not wanting honesty in her polyshipping ways? You could say something like...
"I'd like to pursue this. I want to say YES. But for me to entertain opening the marriage and enter into consenting ethical polyship with you and the GF? There needs to be a talk in trio with everything out on the table. Everyone knows what they are in for. No secrets or triangulation. All three voices are heard in the things that concern them inside the potential polyship.
This is a LIMIT. If you can't meet that honesty requirement or do not want to meet that honesty requirement? Then my answer is going to be "NO. As much as I want to explore polyshipping? I am not willing to polyship in less than ethical, less than honest ways with you and the GF. No, thank you!"
Let it the cards fall where they may NOW. Rather than later when the crazy is even bigger due to her poor skills.
Won't kid ya. I am sure it all feels very
hard. It all stinks. I feel for you, dude.
But... you are responsible for your own well being. So you could CHOOSE your hard. "Nip it in the bud" size or "crazy godzilla town" size. Up to you.
Hang in there.