There are many links on here to cheating btw... if one were to do a search for tagged threads or a general search about cheating there are many... just to let anyone know and in terms of whether or not this thread has value on a poly forum. and if you want more reading
I went for coffee with someone yesterday that I have never met before. He is new to the community and as I am very much involved he got a hold of me and wanted to talk "shop." He and his wife were talking about poly for years and were well on there way to setting some boundaries and relationship rules when he met and fell in love with some one. He let his NRE get away with him as did she. She identified as poly and had several lovers... so she should of known better, but didn't. Anyway they slept together twice and after the second time they both broke down and decided not to ever see each other again. His wife found out what had happened and left him for a week...when she came back she told him that because they were so co-dependent she didn't have the strength now to leave him for good. If she had found out before he had slept with her that he was intending too and that their friendship had gotten out of hand, she would of left then because she had strength to still. He is now having to step waaaaay back and start again building trust, if in fact they ever can. It seems to of proven that he really is poly, in that he was very much in love with both of them, but has unfortunately also proven that he struggles with the way to actually achieve his goal of being so in real life. Essentially, he thinks that he may of saved his marriage due to his cheating... I disagreed entirely, he has just made his wife more co-dependent and has damaged their relationship possibly even more so because of it.