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Old 04-24-2013, 02:31 PM
elle elle is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 36

"The point I am trying to make is that honestly, I believe that if a spouse has a healthy enough outlook on life and friendships to understand that your spouse having a non-sexual best friend is completely healthy and in fact the easiest way for people to feel fulfilled and content in their life, if you can do that you can do poly (as in the including sex kind of poly) so long as you are involved with the right kind of people.

making poly work is nothing more than having emotionally healthy relationships with other people. It is about understanding how to engage in healthy relationships with others by knowing what boundaries work for you in your life to be happy. It is about being honest with yourself and being friends with people you can communicate with so that they understand you and you clearly understand them as well as have the same general ideas about what you consider defines respecting other people.

if the whole issue really was just about sex as opposed to healthy relationships in general, then only poly people would seek marriage counseling, and I assure you there are plenty of people whose marriage is about to fall apart and it has absolutely nothing to do with having sex with others, it has everything to do with their ability to have emotional healthy relationships

if you can have emotionally healthy relationships being mono, I strongly believe that you can do it poly. I say this because by far the healthiest poly relationships I know of, are ones that "accidentally" found themselves in a poly (that includes sex) scenario the easy way. They just fell into it. And I know for a fact it had nothing to do with their ability to be totally at ease and comfortable with sex, it had everything to do with understanding healthy relationships that did not include any aspect of sex."

All of your post was excellent, but the last part truly speaks to me.

Also interesting to me because my husband and I really are this way- we are (usually, although we've had our moments!) pretty emotionally healthy and secure. My husband says 'even when you are super mad at me, I've never felt not loved by you' and he knows how much attention and other relationships mean to me- we both realized I'm a half assed mother, secretary, housekeeper, etc. but the one thing I am good with is men, and male relationships. Not even the sexual aspect, the emotional and friend piece. I am very social, and love to give of myself.

However, my husband and I still have to discover how be secure with me having a sexual relationship outside of our partnership. For me, it's pretty simple (and I also see why it works to 'know' but not really know details... my husband says he 100% does not get off on the idea of me with other men, which isn't always so for many men, lots do...) but I see that it could eat my husband up (much like you) so right now I let it be.

I think it's a lot of overcoming insecurities and ideas of what relationships 'should be.' Also what makes a person 'yours.' Also all the honest talking. It's hard hard work!! Married folks tend to not do it enough, in my opinion.
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