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Old 04-24-2013, 01:38 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,434


Thank you so much for your message. As I'm sure you can understand, I've been stressed out lately and it helped a lot to read what you had to say. I think it's great that you read the whole thread and got the big picture, because of course there are details I forgot over the years, and it's also good that Raga himself had posted messages, as I think it helps seeing both sides a little bit more.

There are lots of things I regret doing or not doing in the relationship, and I do believe it's pointless in the end. It happened. I can learn from it and grow from it.

What you said about everything for Raga being about him resonated so much. I had flashbacks of all these times he got upset about things that had nothing to do with him. And I remember clearly all those times I was sad or stressed but it ended up being about me needing to comfort him because he was despairing over how he had made me sad or how he had hurt me. I felt like I couldn't be vulnerable or weak, no matter what happened.
I remember the time (I probably mentioned it in the thread" I was sore and he wanted to have sex, and I told him I was too sore, and he said "I don't mind" and carried on spreading my legs and so on, and I started crying, and he made it all about him, and about how mean I was not to let him have sex.

I was shocked when I was cut off of his life, but in hindsight, I should have known. There have been people before, the second they said something he thought was mean to him (one friend for instance said he "was being emo" when he was complaining on Facebook), he vilified them and never talked to them again, despite having been friends for years. He said they "were not really friends".

When Seamus visited in Canada, Raga told him a story, with bitterness and anger in his voice, about how once the company he worked at got a bonus but he didn't get any of it because he was part time, and people were still telling him "great about the bonus!" without regard to the fact he wasn't a part of it. Then another story about how he had been refused a promotion, then asked to train the woman who did get the promotion.
Both events had happened before I met him. At the time he told Seamus about them, it must have been at least 7 years, maybe more.
I remember thinking "wow, you've got to learn to let it go".

And I think it's a big thing. He needs to learn to let it go. Honestly, I think you're right and he hasn't. I was hoping that after the break-up he would have had counseling and gotten better, and that he'd be happy, but I went to his Facebook page recently to get some pictures of Lumpy, and his wall was littered with bitter statements. Many of them about me (I don't think I mentioned him once on my wall after the breakup was final. I just don't think about him unless I'm dealing with the divorce). One in particular surprised me a lot, and I think completely supports your point: it was about how he wanted to be happy and celebrate New Year's, but it was also the anniversary of the break-up and it made him feel so horrible, and he didn't put it past me that I might have done it on purpose.
By which I think he meant "she must have broken up with me on New Year's because then I would never be able to celebrate it again and it would always remind me of her" and I guess I would rub my hands and laugh maniacally?
I was so surprised. First that the day still reminded him of the breakup after 2 years and depressed him (I read the message in February after Lumpy had died and I was searching back for pictures. My own New Year's Eve/New Year's Day was completely devoid of memories of him or of the break-up), but since he's apparently single, I can imagine celebrations in general reminding me of that.
But most importantly, the idea that I picked what date to break up with him, that I planned to make it so it would hurt him every year, that I must be now sitting at home and thinking "Haha, I bet he's hurting right now!"... Yes, he does make things all about him.

I guess I'm ranting a bit, but somehow it was a big revelation to read your message. I always though he was just too sensitive, and that's probably true, but the lack of empathy he's expressed during the breakup and afterwards shocked me, yet it makes sense now. I was hurt, he was hurt, it was messy. But he's never going to get over it this way. Even if he did meet someone, he would be starting the relationship with all this baggage instead of dealing with it...
I really hope he can get past all the issues he's struggled with, and be happy. But I need to stop feeling responsible for everything that went wrong, and to stop being guilty for his sustained unhappiness. He was unhappy before we met, and I shouldn't have expected or been expected to solve problems that existed before me.

I think the option to find a US lawyer and spend time in the US without divorcing, at least until the divorce makes actual progress, definitely has merit. I will talk to Seamus about it and we should be able to find a US lawyer to help us and figure out the best course of action.

Seamus is indeed great! I find that we work so much better together. With Raga, we had a way of stressing out each other worse when under stress, and any problem became worse and worse. With Seamus, there has been a lot of stress, and being apart so much is very hard, but even when we don't know what to do and we feel we can't take it anymore, we know we're strong enough and we'll eventually work through it.

Yesterday when I talked to him, he got very frustrated with the whole situation. I got a bit upset and he reassured me that the situation is the problem, although he does wish I would be a bit more proactive. He thinks I'm too nice, too worried about hurting Raga's friends or family, and that I should harass them more. That they hate me anyways, "because they're stupid", to quote him, and so it's not going to make their impression of me worse, and things might get done.

I've tried to be more proactive today. I stayed in touch with my lawyer, who suggested the embassy. I already contacted the Canadian Embassy, without an answer so far, and I'm waiting for it to be late enough to call the French Embassy in Canada. I also contacted my grandfather, who always said to call him if I needed anything, and I did need someone to talk... I don't know if he can help but he said he'd ask around and see if anyone he knows can help.

I also, as you rightfully suggested, contacted my therapist back from 2011 that I saw for a few months, but then stopped seeing. I do need all the support I can get, and I do have some anxiety issues, including some that get in the way of dealing with the divorce effectively. I'm just too worried about consequences sometimes and I crumble down at the idea of "bothering" some people I still care about.
I also need to see if I can learn from the mistakes I made with Raga. I hated the person I was when I was with him, I would sometimes be cruel or get angry, and while I know the stress of the relationship was at least partially to blame, I want to make sure I know what triggers me, and learn not to go down that road.
And as you mention I do have unresolved issues with my parents. Part of me wants to forgive them and get back in touch and be on good term. Another part feels like it would be "betraying" Raga to forgive them for treating him poorly and without much respect. I'm also scared to try fixing things and just end up getting hurt again.
Whether I build a good relationship with them in the future or never talk to them again, though, I need to know for myself that I'm over it, and that I have dealt with the issues in question.

Thanks again for your message. I'm really glad I kept posting, even if it wasn't too frequent, even if it sometimes seemed nobody was reading. It just wouldn't be the same if you only had the last few messages with no background.
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