Glad I did not offend. You def have a LOT going on there.
If you too are thinking these things -- GOOD. You are trying to look out for your own well being and best healths -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health.
Lay it out on the table and talk to wife. If she refuses to hear or take your into consideration... could accept that she refuses to work with you. She's no longer present in this marriage.
Which she doesn't want to because she is afraid it will scare her friend away.
I think it is more like "I do not want to be honest because I am afraid that if I am honest, the friend will choose not to be with me in a messy situation and then I do not get what I want. So I rather leave things out to get what I want."
Not kind to the friend.
Or to you
-- telling you not to tell the friend and be wife's "lies of omission" accomplice.
Look, YOU could be radically honest. Don't have group sex when all things are NOT cool with all players and tell the friend straight up why.
Let wife deal with her own honesty/lack of honesty behaviors and the natural consequences of that.
At least YOU could be behaving ethically with the friend and the friend can choose what she wants to participate in or not will full info.
A lot of my problem is i over think situations. After typing all this I wondering if I just need to find a way to put these emotions on a back burner and let things develop?
If you let things develop with the GF?
That is still YOUR needs not being met. Either by you or the wife.
I don't think you are overthinking. I think wife is underthinking/not caring about her spouse's well being or her GF's well being. She's just after her own cookies. That's selfish-osity.
I also do not suggest ignoring how you feel. Feelings are one of the senses just like sight, hearing, touch, taste, smell are senses. It may not be FUN to feel right now, but it won't kill you. Pay attention instead. Feelings are your flags to something going on -- in this case your needs NOT being met here. If you smell burning in the house, you check it out right? You don't ignore that sense giving you the heads up. If you feel crap, you check out what is happening in your life to cause this right? Why ignore that sense giving you the heads up?
Rather than stuffing the feelings down and away -- express the feelings and make honest requests of your spouse to get more of what you need. She may or may not be willing to meet your need. But you can always ASK. Then you can know where you stand.
- Ask the wife if she's willing to work to meet your needs.
- Ask the wife if she's willing to tell you what needs of hers you are not meeting.
So the marriage can return to right relationship and all can be well.
I have been inattentive and quite critical over the past 6 years of things my wife does or doesn't do right and I have been working on changing that even before this situation arose.
It's fine that you are willing to try. But if she is not willing to try back?
Your effort is for naught. 100% of your effort is still only 50% of the fuel the marriage needs to run well. Where is she? If she's not willing to be present
and participate in the marriage? 50% is still an "F" grade. Marriage is not going to sustain itself on that alone.
You could be willing to face this problem and resolve it yourself. Accept the limitations -- she's not a participating player in the marriage. She does not met your needs any more. Then decide what to do about it -- up to and including ending marriage and creating the co-parenting agreements that need to be to provide for the children. And making provisions for her to leave the marriage sanely and safely and provisions for you to leave the marriage sanely and safely.
Being all "ostrich" about it and ignoring how you feel and ignoring your unmet needs is not you treating yourself kindly and choosing self respecting behavior. And that's going to show up over time as a kick to the self esteem bucket.
This is not fun, and I'm sorry you are going through this. It's terrible.
But when facing stinky choices in life -- be brave, man up and choose well. WHICH one stinks the least then? Could pick that.
Hang in there.