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Old 04-24-2013, 02:05 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: East Coast, U.S.
Posts: 451

Hi Tonberry,

Your post today inspired me to read your entire blog from the beginning, initially because I was having a boring day, and pretty quickly I became hooked on the unfolding narrative. Wow. What a saga.

I'm so sorry to hear that your divorce has dragged on for years and looks rather hopeless. I know you have consulted French and Canadian lawyers--but have you tried a US lawyer? Specifically an immigration lawyer? Someone who can help figure out a way for you to live in the US and apply for eventual US citizenship? It seems like you are getting nowhere with the French lawyer.

Have you considered applying to become a student at a US university? That might be a way to live in the country, and you said earlier that you wanted to pursue studies.

As for Raga...yeah, he's deliberately blocking your divorce proceedings. Despite the fact that it would indeed interfere with his own ability to have a relationship. But trust me, honey, he's not dating anyone. He has ISSUES.

This is a guy who is still actively angry about something his teacher told him when he was 8. Yes, the teacher was very wrong, and yes, Raga was traumatized by the event. (For those without the patience to go back to read the stuff on this thread from 2010: when Raga was 8 years old, a boy in his class who had been in foster care committed suicide, and the teacher told the class it was because the boy "had no friends." Raga was consumed with guilt; there were no grief counselors, and the children did not get to go to the funeral.) Now, certainly, that would indeed be devastating to a child, and I can see how that would haunt someone for the rest of his life.

BUT, Raga (by his own words) blames this incident for his lifelong depression. He blames not just this incident, but this particular teacher. Even though surely the school as a whole, i.e. the principal, had as much to do with the inadequate response as the teacher. And rather than seek help for his depression, or set out to help kids in foster care, etc, the only thing Raga thought might help would be to maybe send a letter to the teacher telling her what a "monster" she had been 20+ years ago. (I don't think he sent such a letter; he was just venting about his depression back in 2010. But, red red flag.)

Perhaps Raga has been good about treating his mental health since your separation. But, given the fiasco over the divorce papers, I think not. And I think, Tonberry, that you don't need to feel too guilty for hurting Raga. For Raga, everything is about HIMSELF. It's not about a childhood classmate who died; it's about a horrible teacher who made HIS OWN life miserable.

A big thing I learned in coming to terms with my own ex: huge insecurities often go hand-in-hand with a hugely self-centered outlook. For example, when Raga was depressive in 2010 he said something like: "I am a worthless husband and no one likes me not even the cat," etc. No self confidence, sure; but also, it's all about HIM. The cat's not just a cat with normal cat behavior; she's part of the whole world hating him. (Sorry to hear about Lumpy, by the way).

A lot of things you have written here struck a chord with me, Ton. Particularly how you remember Raga complaining that he's never been lucky in love, no one will ever want him, etc, WHEN YOU WERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM LOVING HIM. That is EXACTLY what my ex was like when he and I discussed non-monogamy. He would say that he liked the idea of us both being able to date other people, but then he would whine that no girls liked him, no one thinks he's sexy, etc. I thought I was doing a good job of supporting him through his insecurities--but in fact it was all about HIM, he never considered my feelings at all, or appreciated how much I cared for him.

Another weird thing about Raga: the way he became so obsessed with J, his female coworker whom he wanted to date. The poor woman had no idea you two were in an open marriage; Raga invited her over to dinner with the two of you and she had no idea it was a date. Rather than explain his situation, Raga did odd things like send her gift baskets, inquire into the details of her dating life, and agonize for weeks over whether to send her an email declaring his love for her. (I thought you did an amazing job of supporting Raga in all this, Ton.)

Anyway...I'm not sure what my point is here. It doesn't do you any good to wallow in regret for marrying him (which perhaps I am not helping with).

Seamus sounds really awesome and wonderful. I would never have guessed that it would work out to have a "boyfriend" that you only met in person for the first time 3 months into an already-serious, long-distance online relationship! I guess I don't know everything

Other things that resonated with me: the way Raga's friends and family shunned you. I got that too. The mutual friends I shared with my ex never asked for my side of the story; I never badmouthed my ex to them; they just shut me out. I don't settle for the explanation that that's "just how break-ups work." My theory is that it has to do with punishing women for violating the socially accepted rules for conducting relationships.

I really appreciated being able to read your whole story going back for years. Lately I have been trying to follow the blogs section of this forum more, since I have lost all patience for the problems in the Poly Relationship section.

Good luck with everything. I'll state again that I urge you to seek the help of a US lawyer.

In the meanwhile, can you take advantage of France's healthcare system and see a therapist? In particular I think you should talk to someone about the issues with your parents.
Single, straight, female, solo, non-monogamous.
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