Hello Gang, Looking for Perspective and Support
Hello gang... well this is one group I never thought I'd find myself in, but here I am. Well, let's cut to the chase. I have a beautiful wife of almost 5 years whom I love with all my heart. We have 2 boys, 2yrs and 4yrs old. For the past couple of years, I was struggling with addiction recovery, grief for my father, being a new husband and a new parent. To say I did well through all of that would be a lie. I basically shut down emotionally for a really long time, abandoning my wife's emotional needs. I have recently begun to get back to being my "old self", enjoying life again, and opening up to my wife after all this time to discover she had basically written me off romantically, that I had wounded her deeply to the point she can't trust me with all of her heart, and doesn't know if she will ever be able to. She said she would have left 2 years ago if not for the kids.
The thought of divorce or separation had never once crossed my mind. I committed whole-heartedly to my relationship with my wife, and we began talking and communicating for the first time in ages. Through this, she tells me that for the past few months she has been getting her emotional/romantic (not sure of the right word) needs filled by an ex-boyfriend from before we met. It has been phone/text communication between them only, and they haven't yet met up in person as he lives 2 states away. I knew they were texting, and my wife said they were texting about "relationship problems" which I took to mean HIS relationship problems, so I didn't question it any further at the time.
My initial reaction was to demand that she stop communicating with this guy so that we could work on our marriage, to see if it could be saved. She refused. I work to support the family financially while she stays at home to care for the boys, so she has no source of income, and I do love her and my boys enough that I wouldn't just kick her out on the street.
She says she loves me and is still committed to our marriage and family, and doesn't want to leave. She says she isn't looking for a relationship with the guy, just basically a weekend here and there to "let go". She wants me to be ok with it, and gives me assurances that she loves me and is committed to our life together.
I reluctantly agreed to allow this without "blowing up" our world with family, church, and friends. I know both our families would be devastated to hear we were splitting up. I laid out the ground rules of she can see this guy, and this guy only, occasionally, and that it made me crazy insecure and anxious and nervous and she needed to understand that.
She agreed to see a marriage counselor with me, who is trying to convince her to break ties with other guy and focus only on our marriage. Let us say she has not yet been convinced. If I try to push her any harder to not see this guy, my gut feeling is that we will end up on the road to divorce, which is a worst-case scenario to me.
And to be honest, I'm trying to keep an open mind here. My biggest reasons for not wanting to do this are all of my own insecurities about it. Other Guy is better looking than me, a charmer, etc... things like how do I accept her love for me and her relationship (for lack of a better term) with him at the same time go through my head? How can I not think about my wife sleeping with this guy every time I touch her? Again, my own insecurities and issues, which I feel I might be able to overcome and work through, given time.
She has given me permission to see someone outside of the marriage as well, but as of now, I'm not interested. She thinks if she rushes to go ahead and meet this guy it will "help me to see" that it will work and everything will be ok, and she is planning on going this weekend while I watch the kids. Which honestly, just seems somehow fundamentally wrong to me.
But anyway, as to the open mind, I know other marriages exist out there that work on this type of arrangement, so here I am trying to find you to get your perspective, support, and input. I am trying not to immediately discount this possibility, and to explore if I can actually do this.
Additionally, since we have been so open an honest the last few weeks (the bomb was dropped on me around 3 weeks ago), I have to say I feel closer to my wife than I have in ages, possibly ever. We are talking again, SHE is talking to me again. Sex went from once every week or two to almost nightly. I mean, there have been days where this whole thing feels ok and I feel like our relationship is healing great, but then I waffle back into anxiety and nervousness about the upcoming weekend when the deed is going to be done.
Ok, sorry for the uber long post... and hello! Give me your input, stories,perspective, etc. Please point me to any newbie resources or stories of people who have been through this before. Would specifically like to hear from the mono in a mono-poly relationship.
Thanks in advance!
Last edited by dragonfire613; 04-23-2013 at 10:30 PM.