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Old 01-14-2010, 04:27 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

I'd like to comment on a bunch of very good responses at once. I think this thread has the potential to really splinter so if any of these comments seem to want to take off on their own I encourage anyone to take them and run with them. Otherwise this could get long & convoluted.


Originally Posted by Fidelia;
The arrangement described is not polyamorous,
As we (hopefully) have discovered the umbrella term "polyamorous" covers as wide a range of possibilities as there are people.
I might just ask that you just climb down off the high horse and not bother with the personal attacks (count the number of 'you's and 'yours') as they won't contribute much to digging deep into the real topic. Or provoke a reaction

Originally Posted by rolypoly;
If you are the cheatee, I don't believe that you are the cause, but a symptom of a problem that has nothing to do with you.
It seems there's obvious wisdom in this that deserves acknowledgement but unfortunately it doesn't let us off the hook because of possible repercussions. Therefore the quandary. Back to the question of the "greater good".

Originally Posted by Mono;
No matter how trapped a person feels in a relationship there is always an option.
Exactly Mono - and indeed they are excercising one of them by maybe trying to do what's best for all involved including themselves. The best way they know how. In situations we've been personally involed in, after we get through the "poly" lecture, we try to explore & encourage that they open that topic at home if possible. But at times it seems simply impossible.

Originally Posted by Ciel;
If they can't be completely honest with their partner, someone that they supposedly have a committed relationship with, then how can I expect them to be honest with me about issues vital to me.........
Yea, the theory of absolutes. I have yet to meet a person who 'never' lies. Nor have I met a person who has lied to me who 'never' tells the truth. I think we have to live with that aspect of being human and keep our lie detection equipment tuned and oiled. The reason people lie (barring pathological liars) is generally in an attempt to have the best outcome from an unfavorable situation by shielding people from a truth that could be more destructive to them. We've all seen cases where that was wrong-headed but also cases where it (unfortunately) was the correct choice. Not B/W.

Originally Posted by crisare;
"in reality (as long as it stayed under the radar) it was highly beneficial to everyone."
That's completely and totally justification. How is it beneficial to everyone to hide and lie and cheat someone you love?"


"Hm. I'm not *entirely* sure I agree with this. I would not have cheated on my husband if the person I had the affair with didn't encourage our relationship to continue and become a party to my lies. He was complicit - he called me when I told him he could, sent me things to my office, not my house .. etc. Was he involved in the problems in my marriage? No. But I wouldn't have cheated (with him) if he hadn't made himself available and been very clear that he didn't care that I was married and that we were going to lie to my spouse.

Now, would I have cheated with someone else later .. I honestly don't know. I know that there's every possibility that my husband and I would be divorced right now ... because it was cheating that led me to realizing I could love two people at once, an therefore led me to learning about poly. It was cheating that made me realize that there *could* be an ethical way to be with my husband and led me to open a discussion with him on the subject - as well as to ask him back into our home to try to work this out. If it wasn't for that, I probably would have left him and pursued another monogamous relationship."
It seems you have answered your own question to a small degree here. But in another example I've seen where the indicted 'cheater's home life and relationship actually improved because of decreased tension and pent up anger/frustration of being locked into an unfulfilled life.

Originally Posted by Jools;
The situation was not black and white. He was in a relationship that had no affection, physical, emtional, sexual. I would say infact that he was being constantly verbally abused and so worn down by this that he didn't believe he could leave,
Yea Jools, in these cases it seems your involvement only accelerated a course that was probably eventual. We've seen that too, albeit from a distance, and didn't condemn the person in your role for the participation in what was an obvious direction.

Originally Posted by Nikki;
Like it or not, there are a lot of people who have discovered that they were poly because of an affair, and realized that while their behavior was wrong and then made right of the situation. Should we be discounting their experience that brought them where they are today? I don't think so.
Nikki, I think this speaks well to the possible outcomes which I hinted at in a follow up post. The potential IS there for all involved parties to turn this into a positive life change. It's up to the parties involved. It kinds of leans to the statement that "guns don't kill people - PEOPLE do". You kind of find yourself in the role of the 'gun'. The fact that you are a gun - and not a hammer or an iron lawn ornament (iron) is just what 'is'.

Thanks everyone for their insights !

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