Ever heard of the expression that 'your mind creates your reality'?
I'm not sure how you project to the people you talk about in real life, but based on your writing you seem to go through a lot of times where you internally devalue yourself and people around you as a kind of negative discharge of worries and doubts. Of course you may not literally feel this way, but it does make me think that if you're being dramatic on the bad days, you might be equally the opposite on good days. Which, if I were around you and saw a glimmer of this behavior, I'd probably be wary of triggering you one way or the other. Right or wrong, I'd avoid you.
This cycle of pain, healing and more pain followed by healing (etc) seems to be a hard thing to deal with, and for that I feel for you and everyone like you I've ever come across (and there are many). I think you hope for better, but that you don't know how to make it so.
This blog may be therapy for you, and great for you if it helps. But if you could go back, change the names and read this blog like an outsider looking in at a stranger, what would make of it all? Do you share these thoughts with others in the way you describe them here, or do they only get a watered down version?
I think at some point, the inner mind has to meet the outer world and come to a reckoning, if there's any hope of finding happiness. Even if that means losing everything in favor of finding some internal peace that enables you to meet the world as a person in charge of themselves, their behaviors, and their path in life.