This situation is proving to be more tolling and taxing than anything else. I see the writing on the wall, and I am seeing the cracks already. I have to prevent explosion #2 from happening. The only reason he is going along with this--farce--is because of our oldest child. She was missing Si, and Matt knew he was the biggest cause that she had stopped being active in her life. He tried to swallow any disdain for her long enough to allow them to still have a relationship, but they have not solved any of their issues, and it is still volatile.
SNeacail, I agree with that. My reaction would have been much worse than his. This I know. I understand the way he feels and why he felt usurped and undermined. I would feel threatened if anyone tried to take away my say regarding the children I brought into this world. that would not fly. That is where he was with the loss of balance, and he still views her as a threat. His only response to trusting her is, "I trust her to be the person she is going to be." In Matt's terms, I know what that means, and it is nothing good.
We do not do that much travelling on a normal basis. I knew last year that the start of 2013 would entail a lot of travelling on my end. We take family holidays and little weekend trips in a normal year. A weekend in Barcelona or Madrid here. Skiing in Verbier. On long weekends, trips to France. We went to the DL Paris Resort one weekend. Nothing major. My travelling this year was for fellowship, educational/research, and career purposes. His was for career related reasons. That aspect has been addressed in counselling. As it stands now, there is one trip outside of moving planned, and that is our family holiday before our daughter starts school. We are going to Walt Disney World. Other than that, I am grounded until we move.
This has been discussed extensively in counselling, and he says precisely what he thinks. He does not hold back. His responses have been consistent. No to everything. No, he does not want a friendship. No, he does not want her around our children. No, he does not view her as family or extended family. No, he does not see a purpose that she serves in his or their lives. He has to work with her, and he made it crystal clear that from 9-5 or 10-6, he is nothing but professional. Once 6:01 strikes, she fades into oblivion and is no longer part of his thoughts.
Kevin, I hate to admit it, but that might be what has to be done. I hate that so much. Neither option constitutes a win in my book. Somebody is going to get hurt unless some miracle breakthrough happens.
Matt has tried to be okay with it. He probably even tricked himself into believing it was something he could live with because he was trying to keep our daughter's best interest at heart and a priority. Much like my polyamoury. He wanted me to be happy. He tolerated it, but when he reached his breaking point, nothing could be done at that point.
MonkeyStyle, it is harder than I would have ever imagined. I have heard from all sides, "You have to stop and consider that Si has been part of their lives since before they were born. How much is it going to hurt her and them if you severe those bonds? She loves them like her own children." I have no idea.
Matt is like you. He spends x amount of time outside of the home, so when he gets home, he likes quality time with me and our children. He has always been big on family, so I understand that. Back then, he needed that time, and it was not there because in his eyes, there was an unneeded or unwanted co-parent infringing on his rights, taking time that could have been his/ours, and silencing his voice.
I do not believe there is an apology sincere enough or enough time or space to ever make him want to be around her ever again.