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Old 04-22-2013, 03:54 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default Yessss!

I have to admit that these exact thoughts were what prompted me to write this. I read 'The Secondary Bill of Rights' and was shocked that not only did people seem to be taking the document seriously, they were requoting it, bringing it to discussion groups, etc, and worse, that couple-shaming was starting to emerge with it as a reference. I thought, "Where's the "other side" if we're going to be saying, I'm on THIS side of the fence, and you're on THAT side of the fence."

What was curious to me is that people had no problems standing up for the 'rights' of a secondary partner despite their mistakes and limitations as people, but members of partnership who were making mistakes/coming up against limitations seemed to be quickly shamed, judged, name called, and even bullied on this forum, and in other forums and discussion groups that I participate in. I wrote about what I saw coupled people being shamed for, judged about, and treated badly over. To me, humans are humans no matter what relationship structure they come with, and while some of the mistakes they make may fall into patterns, I felt like basic 'rights' were being overlooked for coupled people struggling just as much as for 'single-ish' or 'secondary partners' finding their way. It is another side of the same coin of 'doing poly ethically' and 'not being an asshole'. The one-sided approach that I have been watching emerge reeks of bullshit to me, and I wanted to address that; people have the allowance to ask for what they need, be safe, enjoy honesty and full disclosure, be respected, and take care of themselves, and their lives/other relationships within the context of a new relationship, regardless of their relationship structure, no?

I mean, who doesn't have the 'right' to slow the pacing of a relationship down if it's moving too fast or is pushing a life out of balance? What's with the double standards for singled/coupled poly people - it being fine for a single person to take a step back if they want to work on other relationships, or their personal relationship with self - but being up for judgement if a couple steps back to work on their relationship, or their personal relationship with self?

My thought is that there should be some sort of general constitution/guide/whatever you'd like to call it around what forms having an ethical poly relationship, no matter WHAT side you're coming to it from. Part of having that pendulum swing to the middle is to present the another POV, and see what discussions and writings come out of it.

I think the word right is (mostly) inappropriate as well, and introduced it as a direct reply to the 'Secondary Bill of RIGHTS'. It's (largely) alienating, assumptive and presumes ownership over decisions that involve another person.

I'd LOVE to see a similar document crafted that is just about doing poly ethically, and a good foundation for discussion between people doing poly, especially those new to it. As we build our own experience, things like this seem largely unnecessary, but in the beginning, it would be helpful.


Last edited by CherryBlossomGirl; 04-22-2013 at 04:33 PM.
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