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Old 01-14-2010, 12:46 AM
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crisare crisare is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 172

Originally Posted by rolypoly View Post
crisare, by the term "cheatee", I meant the person who's cheating with, not the person who's being cheated on....
Ah ... gotcha. I've never heard the word used in that sense. I've always heard cheater (the person doing the cheating) and cheatee (the victim of the cheating).

In other words, if you're faced with the choice to sleep with someone, knowing that they are cheating on someone else, whether or not you do it is a choice you make for yourself. Because if the person is going to cheat, whether or not you do it isn't going to erase the reason they're wanting to cheat.
Hm. I'm not *entirely* sure I agree with this. I would not have cheated on my husband if the person I had the affair with didn't encourage our relationship to continue and become a party to my lies. He was complicit - he called me when I told him he could, sent me things to my office, not my house .. etc. Was he involved in the problems in my marriage? No. But I wouldn't have cheated (with him) if he hadn't made himself available and been very clear that he didn't care that I was married and that we were going to lie to my spouse.

Now, would I have cheated with someone else later .. I honestly don't know. I know that there's every possibility that my husband and I would be divorced right now ... because it was cheating that led me to realizing I could love two people at once, an therefore led me to learning about poly. It was cheating that made me realize that there *could* be an ethical way to be with my husband and led me to open a discussion with him on the subject - as well as to ask him back into our home to try to work this out. If it wasn't for that, I probably would have left him and pursued another monogamous relationship.
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