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Old 04-20-2013, 10:34 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 39
Default And I'm the one who is supposed to know how to do this...

Hi there,

Iím 34 year old woman from Finland, living with a man and a woman. I have a strong need to open up, so this is quite detailed introduction. Perhaps you have some comments or advice for me.

Me: 34y female, bi, poly
Kay: 43y, lesbian, poly, my wife to be, my soulmate, been together some 1y 8mth (KayFin on this forum)
O: 52y, straight, poly, my BF, been together some 6.5y

Some history of my relations:

In my 20s, I was trying to get over very religious upbringing with disapproving attitude toward sexuality Ė I was taught that genuinely good people donít even want sex. Apparently Iím very, very bad person, then. When exploring my sexuality I found out Iím bi, and kinky. I didnít recognize the poly part, however.

I met O while I was still with my previous bf. The situation could have developed into a nice V, but I didnít know what I wanted. I didnít know how to communicate and I wasnít aware polyamorous relationships are possible. So we separated with my ex, and O and I quickly started to build a life together. We focused on our new home and mutual hobbies.

After couple of years some issues in our sex life emerged. We both hanged there. After a couple more years I opened a discussion about sex with other people. I felt seriously distressed about my need of sex, but O responded very positively, to both my and his own relief. So, sex with others was ok for both of us. Still within a year, I was getting rather frustrated about casual sex; it didnít help much.

Then I met Kay. I was really impressed by her from the day one. After our second date I had to tell O that I would do almost anything to keep this woman in my life. He was approving, saying that it was a good thing then, if I had feelings for her. My feelings developed fast, for sure, and hers as well.

This time I made the effort to let her know I would not leave O. Iíve had the habit to change partner and life whenever I fell in love. This time however, first with O, and then on even deeper level with Kay, I started to communicate. At last!

My relationship with Kay flourished and I felt more able to discuss with O as well. Kay moved into our home about a year ago. She and O get along very well. Our life together has been very happy and joyful.

The current issue:

Shortly after Kay and I met, one of her close friends made an impression on me. I tried to push it off my mind since Kay and I had just started to date. I expected my interest into her friend to fade away, but it did not. No doubt Kay saw my interest, but we didnít discuss it seriously. After a year together with Kay I was ready to talk about it and opened discussion. I was not able, or perhaps just willing, to let it go without Kay asking me to do so.

Kay got scared at first, but she is very skillful in analyzing problems. So we have talked about it every now and then during the past few months. Just recently Kay decided not to ask me to pull back. (Kayís perspective on the issue can be read on the thread she started recently.) I opened discussions with her friend, who showed interest towards me.

So, it seems I might be starting something with a very good friend of my wife to be. To my own surprise, I am now going through some emotional issues about this. Despite and/or because of my history, I still have difficulties to accept myself as poly. I once again sort of expected that falling madly in love with Kay would magically transform me into a good mono person Iím supposed to be (according to my upbringing, at least). Apparently that has not happened.

Now I try to deal with my emerging emotions towards Kayís friend, as there they are, although I and her friend have only had a few initial discussions. And often Iím scared to death that Iíll destroy either my romantic relations with my love, or the friendship these two women have, or both.

Life is wonderful, but my fears are sometimes overwhelming. Kay found your comments and advice very useful (thank you for that). Perhaps I donít need to figure things out by myself, either.
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