Here's what would happen with my ex - I could sense a shift in his behavior. I knew something was wrong. I would ask him about it. He denied that anything was wrong. (Starting a nice little cycle of making me feel like I was crazy! Ugh.) This would go on for SIX WEEKS. Our relationship suffered and he never noticed. Meanwhile, I'm living in hell, not getting what I need and not able to do ANYTHING about it. And also being made to feel quite crazy. That was the worst part. I would continue to press about what was wrong. FINALLY it would come out. "I guess I've been feeling _____." Oh, really? And how long have you been feeling this way? "About six weeks or so." Aaarrrghh!! I know I can absolutely not do that again. I was miserable. I and our relationship were at an utter standstill and he was oblivious. But I am so glad to know there are other hypers out there like me!
So I have a question about communication because J and I have already had a little hiccup....about this very subject (poly). When we first reconnected and were hanging out, he was filling me in on the 10 yrs since we'd seen each other and his relationships and how he wanted to try something different than monogamy. I listened and asked questions and tried to be supportive and nonjudgmental while trying to give him a girl's view of things. The next time we hung out things got romantic and so I knew he was interested and we talked more about him dating multiple people. I was still listening and trying to be understanding.....and HIS need for this. At no time in the conversation did he include me in his intentions. At no time did he ask me how I would feel about being in a poly relationship with him. I felt detached from this particular topic.
It wasn't until I finally asked him outright if he was wanting to include me in this poly idea that the truth came out. He thought that's what we had been doing all along and that I was accepting of it. And that was not the case. (At that time). He became angry because he thought I misrepresented myself.....which I rather took offense to because that is NOT like me. The thing is, he is rather passive about communication. He doesn't like to be assertive or come right out and say things for fear of seeming too presumptuous or getting a reaction that would hurt his feelings. I've known plenty of people with this communication style but it usually takes a long time for the truth to come out and by the time it does, there's lots of misunderstanding and hurt feelings. So how do you deal with something like this in a poly situation where communication is so important?