All good points. I should probably clarify that the "Punch in the face" comment was exaggerated. I didn't mean that literally. It was more to convey how it would hurt me.
Fear? Lots and lots of it! Not only about this situation but the last relationship I was in was 10 yrs ago with the only man I've ever been in love with and he left me and I was devastated and it took me a very long time to get over. This is the ONLY guy I've been interested in since then. I've been consistently disappointed by people my entire life and I'm trying to find ways to keep that from happening again in major ways. (I know there will always be small disappointments). I'm a very sensitive person when it comes to relationships. I am hyper aware. This is my natural state. I think other people live with more muted senses. This allows me to read people fairly easily and quickly. I am able to process things quickly and make quick decisions. I know what I want and what I don't want. I am very self-aware in the sense that I know what I'm feeling and I can articulately express that to you. As far as other's perceptions of me, I have no idea. It's not usually something I focus on.
Some of the things I say might sound harsh or selfish. But that's only because I've been the opposite most of the rest of my life and that hasn't worked out so well. In past relationships I've tempered my opinions and bent over backwards for the other person.....which usually meant I got run over like a Mack truck and was utterly exhausted by it all. Now that I'm no longer look for a husband I'm thinking, "what the hell?" How about I just be who I am? Embrace my sensitivity, and communicate exactly what I'm going to need to feel secure in the relationship up front?
The more I think about this setup, the more it feels like it could really work for me right now. Because I won't have to be EVERYTHING to him. I can just be who I am and he can enjoy me for that, and if he needs something else that is not a part of me he can get it from somebody else! I'm down with that. No more backbends. My back can't take it anymore.