DH and I just had this discussion. The whole 'secondary' thing. It gets frowned on and a lot of times for good reason. DH and I are together and BF and I are together. However, we don't like calling BF secondary. We couldn't figure out how to explain that my emotions are not ranked! So the best distinction we could come up with was this:
My relationship with BF is secondary, BF himself is not secondary.
You are being treated as if YOU are secondary, or even farther down to thirdly or something like that. That is not fair. You can have what many call a 'secondary relationship' and it be all you need or want, same with him. However, no one deserves to be treated as if they as a person or secondary by someone that claims to love them.
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year