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Old 04-20-2013, 01:54 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,895

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I would love to hear from those with primary relationships if they regard themselves as in a committed relationship with their secondaries or non-primaries, and what that commitment entails.
Ah - found it! (I seem to remember having had a similar discussion recently ) - found it here.

I do regard myself as being in a committed relationship with my boyfriend. This commitment entails the same things that my commitment to my husband does. To me this means that we share an intention to build our lives together. Sharing goals and resources. That we make choices that foster our relationship(s) with the intention of overcoming any obstacles together. That we are working toward "happily ever after."

My relationship with Dude is much younger that my relationship with my husband - so it naturally is still growing and developing in many ways - we are still getting to really "know" each other. (My relationship with MrS ALSO continues to grow and develop - but in different ways - since we have 20 years of practice relating to each other). But, I have to say, that it (my relationship with Dude) is actually further along than my and MrS's relationship was at the same time period (two years in) - I am older now, for one, and have the experience of one relationship under my belt .

I agree that you and your boyfriend have different definitions of "commitment" - I think mine aligns more along the lines of what you are thinking: mutual obligations, financial support, moving together, etc.

There's nothing wrong with "less committed" relationships - if that is what develops and is comfortable for everyone involved. I think problems arise, though, when people have different expectations and aren't communicating them effectively.

I don't think that this is necessarily a mono/poly thing though. I know of plenty of "mono" people that are in relationships that seem to be long-term but with varying levels of "commitment." (i.e. they are sexually exclusive ... but that's about it...they've been "dating" the same person for years but their lives are relatively separate - it's like their relationship stalled out at some point and keeps going due to inertia and a desire for regular sex.)

JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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