Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 04-20-2013, 03:30 AM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
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I went out club hopping with a group of friends. Bodo's Schloss, LouLou's, Boujis (amazing crackbaby cocktails), and Mahiki. We went to VQ, so they could sober up. I am not big on alcohol. I am more of a wine connoisseur. Give me a glass of aged wine that has been chilled, and I am perfectly content.

Last night/the wee hours of this AM were worth it. I love to dance, and lately I have been so caught up in our marriage, work, my career, preparing to move, and everything. I never stopped to slow down. Weekly ladies nights are back. I used to be more into the partying scene and jet-setting. I tamed it down once I had children and started my career. It is okay in moderation, though.

During the sobering up meal, we were talking about our lives and catching up. My friends have always been fascinated by polyamoury and ethical non-monogamy. One of my dearest friends asked me if I missed having more than one relationship? I miss my ex, but it would not be fair of me to get back in a relationship with her knowing that I do know have the time to contribute to it. Aside from that, my heart would not be in it 100%. I am still a beautiful disaster and a masterpiece in progress. We are better off being friends for the time being. Our [mutual] friends had a joint name for us, and to lighten things up, they were like, "We miss calling you that." Though they are more mono minded, they were always supportive of my relationship with Si, and they all became friends over time. Our circles meshed well when they crossed. I do believe that some of them have taken our split harder than us.

My thoughts are kind of random right now, but I have stopped feeling selfish and guilty. Now that I am making amends and correcting my many mistakes, I am shedding the dead weight and coming into my own and my new normal. I have a new level of assurance. It has taken awhile to understand, but I am beginning to see where I am going. I am more aware of who I am, what I want, what I need, and how to keep peace and happiness in my life. A month and a half ago, that was the most distant thought. This path was on a road that had never been travelled, and I feared the unknown. It felt like being an artist with a block of marble and trying to figure out how to shape it and mould it into something to capture emotion and stand the test of time.

I am learning new things about myself every day. I am not harping on the past. I am focused on the future. I had to dig in my past to figure out the root of certain issues and to figure out a better way to handle those things if they arise again. I have never been the type to do anything halfway. I prefer to give my all, so if I am going to learn lessons and apply them from this moment forward, I have to see the full picture. I finally do. I cannot change anything that happened, but I can handle my behaviour and conduct accordingly. I have been given a second chance, and I know not to take it for granted.

I am happy that Si and I can have lunch, a glass of wine, or go out with friends without an argument ensuing. We have a long way to go, and it is not going to be an easy journey. Emotions are still high. Time will tell how everything will play out. I would like for it to continue moving forward.

Speaking of moving. We are slated to move in a few short months. As it stands now, we kind of own two homes. The one we live in now, and the home in Aussie land. This home has sentimental value for me. This is our first family home, and we have so many memories here. I know that it is a prime piece of real estate in a very coveted area of London. I am aware of the average price that homes in this area go for, but no amount of pounds can replace the memories here. This is the first home that we brought our children home, too. Matt and I definitely need to talk. I realise we are moving a world away, but I am not sure I want to let this home go. It is not on the market, and I honestly want to keep it that way. We will have to see what is more cost effective. Decisions, decisions, decisions.

I am off to take a shower and drift off to sleepyville. Clubbing wore me out. I knew there was a reason why I stopped doing it ages ago. Is it seriously almost 4:30 in the morning? Good grief. Good night, but technically good morning.

Ry

Last edited by FullofLove1052; 04-20-2013 at 12:42 PM.
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