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Old 01-13-2010, 09:59 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post

I (we) are wondering how various people - primary pairs (or more) feel about including others in their lives when that other person has their own primary relationship in which they don't/can't share that fact.
I respectfully submit that this thread doesn't belong on this website, as it does not relate to polyamory. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand polyamory to be loving relationships between multiple partners, based on open communication and love, concern and respect for all the people involved. At the bare mimimum I hope polyamory can be defined as multiple loving relationships between consenting adults. The arrangement described is not polyamorous, as it places such diminished value on open communication shows disrepect and lack of concern for the "other" person's primary. Applying even the minimum standard, this arrangement falls short, in that one of the adults concerned has no opportunity to consent or decline. IMO this type of arrangement direspects and degrades everyone it touches, but at least the cheaters are making informed choices. The other's primary is being treated like a mushroom, which is to say, s/he is kept in the dark and fed a load of shit.

I hope that one of our esteemed moderators will consider this point and remove this thread.

Until that time, let's go on:

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
In general this is considered "cheating" - the "dirty little secret" people often refer to etc.
Establishing agreements around which relationships grow, and then violating those agreements IS cheating, and cheating is wrong. Why? Because it's dishonest and unfair.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
In theory we'd consider this bad behavior but we don't live in a theoretical world. In reality things are seldom so cut & dry.
I am so enormously, unimaginably, unutterably thankful that I do not live in your reality. Yes, there are many gray areas in life, but this is not one of them. I have chosen to make my "yes" yes and my "no" no. If I say I'll do a thing, I'll do it to the best of my ability. (Hey, that reminds me of something I need to finish . . .) My word really is my bond. Not that I'm infallible and never screw up, but I do my level best. I place high value on my personal integrity, and I require the same level of integrity from my chosen family. If my situation changes and I cannot do what I've agreed to, or am no longer willing to, it's time to revisit the agreement in question, to renegotiate or dissolve it. Not ignore it, or obfuscate it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
. . . but in the end we fall back to the belief that all people (individuals) should have freedom in how they live their lives and where they source their happiness and fulfillment from.
I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. With all due respect, I don't think YOU do, because there is a contradiction between what you say and what you've done. You say all people should have freedom, but your past actions indicate that you think it's okay for some people to be treated like mushrooms.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Have others here experienced such relationships and how does it sit with you ?
I have experienced such relationships, in the role of the mushroom partner. Guess how much I liked the experience?

But I can honestly say it was a valuable experience for me, because it motivated me to seriously consider my own bottom-line values and resolve to never allow myself to be disrespected in that way again. And in the end I believe my shit-shovelling ex gained some valuable wisdom too. At the very least, he knows now why he ought not to have done that, certainly not to me.
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