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Old 04-19-2013, 07:07 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 125

Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
For instance, one thing that makes me feel there's no real 'commitment' as I understand it between my BF and myself is knowing if he gets a promotion, he and his wife are packing up and moving. He's not going to pay to move me and my children. It wouldn't even occur to him, whereas it wouldn't occur to him NOT to move his wife. He's going to make the decision about accepting the promotion based on what is best for himself and his wife and their marriage, not on what's best for himself and me.

He and I have no mutual obligations to one another. If my house burns down or I lose my job, a committed partner would be there re-building with me, minging finances, supporting me in every possible need. I would fully expect to do the same for him. I have no such expectations from or to my BF.

I say none of this in a spirit of criticism. He's a wonderful person, I have loved every minute with him, he and I have both grown and become better people as a result of our time together, and it's a wonderful relationship. But I don't fully consider it a 'committed' relationship because of these things.

From my BF's perspective, he does see himself as committed to me. In part because he actually has made some dramatic changes for my sake (things I didn't ask him for, things he gave to me as a gift, one which I treasure by the way.) In part, I think he considers himself committed because he fully intends to stay with me as long as I'm willing.

I don't discount those things. I suppose what I would conclude is they're different definitions of 'commitment' and different levels of commitment. And I suppose as long as I don't expect what he's not offering, and as long as it suits me, that's fine.

I would love to hear from those with primary relationships if they regard themselves as in a committed relationship with their secondaries or non-primaries, and what that commitment entails.
Yeah, I consider myself in a committed relationship with my non-primary partner. My reasoning is pretty much the same as your BF's: commitment means the intention to stay in the relationship as long as it's rewarding to both of us. We can't move for/with each other (we live in different countries) or share financial responsibilities, but we can support each other emotionally and work on our issues through honest communication. True, logistically it's very different from my primary relationship, but the emotional commitment is the same.
Heteroromantic asexual female, sex-positive, childfree, relationship anarchist.
Married to G, and in a partially non-romantic, completely non-sexual and long-distance triad with A and L.
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