Originally Posted by WhatHappened
That's just it...when you find out your spouse is cheating on you, it's not just about having had sex. It's about the lies, the cover-ups, the deceptions. It's about the broken trust. About the willingness to play mind games with you to the point you question your own sanity, in many cases. About realizing you can't trust this person anymore, not with their word, not with the family finances, not with your health--because you can't believe a word they say. When these things are finally understood, it's most definitely not a happy marriage.
My ex husband feels much as you do: so he lied a few (thousand) times, did it really matter? Weren't we happy? Uh...yeah, HE was happy. I'm one of those people who threw away 'everything' over a little cheating.
My husband also cheated on me. It was not really an "affair". There was no money spent on her or long weekends away or anything like that. It was sex.
Sure, he was not telling me that he was sleeping with her and that certainly made me angry, more so than the sex because not communicating was a commitment issue in my mind.
I was able to work beyond the cheating because I realized at that point that my husband was not happy monogamous and, in truth, neither was I. So that's when i drove into a lot of research on sexual monogamy. Even wrote a huge research paper on it for school. I changed what I thought a marriage was suppose to be and I learned a lot about what other cultures around the world views are on marriage.
American marriages are made up of wishful thinking in a lot of ways. I knew my marriage was stronger than that, so I had to change my thinking and go against culture. I'm glad that I did because now I'm realizing that, not only am I also not monogamous, I'm also poly. I wonder in what super painful way I would have found that out otherwise if I wasn't in an already open marriage due to previous cheating. . .
That's why I always live by the "everything happens for a reason" motto.
Originally Posted by WhatHappened
That's kind of a generalization. It could equally be said that some poly people don't know what commitment means. And if the commitment two people have made includes sexual fidelity, then that is part of their commitment to one another and is not confusion, but a reasonable agreement for many reasons
And I did say some
. Obviously not all, as there are mono people right here that don't believe that.
However, I think that from what I've seen here and from more open minded individuals, they have a better answer about what commitment is that doesn't link back to sexual fidelity. The problem is, sexual fidelity may mean commitment to one person and not the other in a relationship. If that's the case, how is that
relationship going to be viable for the long run?
Perhaps the real solution to this problem is to simply state that we all have different ideas about what commitment means and that what's really important is discussing what those commitments are to your partner(s).
If sexual fidelity is indeed a commitment maker or breaker for BOTH of you, than that is correct for your understanding of it. However, if one sees it that way and the other does not. . . Well, I don't see that working out in the end, do you?
It's no ones fault if it doesn't work out because of that either. Perhaps a real honest discussion on what commitment means to an individual person would help a lot of relationships succeed. That is if it were to occur before it went from casual to serious.