Waiting for my hubby to get out of the shower, so I am doing my nightly post.
Our counselling session was very productive. 120 minutes. We each had things we wanted to discuss, and we talked about them. Our therapist was just kind of there as a mediator or to let us know if we needed to correct something or if we needed to rephrase something. The most important thing is he knows I am listening and processing everything he is saying. It is not just hearing key words or replying with "mmhm," "yeah," "right." It is actually being engaged in the conversation, listening to his feelings and thoughts, and asking questions about what was just said or discussed. I like communicating on a deeper level. I put it to good use when we left the office. We were driving back to our hotel, which was about 35 minutes away. He was telling me about his afternoon with my daddy, what they did, or how they bonded. Instead of texting people, checking e-mails, or whatever, I left my phablet in the console and never touched it while we were talking. I am proud of myself because I am addicted to my cell. That is my baby, and Matt knows it.
We arrived at our hotel, and we had an hour to get ready for dinner. Our reservation was for 8. He was definitely all touchy-feely, while I was trying to get dressed. Matt was like that beautiful distraction. I never realised how hard it was to put on eyeliner while someone is kissing one of your spots and whispering in your ear. I am enjoying being teased. He finished getting dressed before me, so he was like, "See you downstairs." Touch me. Tease me. Then, leave me? Such a tease. That is not what the eye mask from Agent Provocateur says. (It actually says, "Love me. Desire me. Seduce me. Tease me. Whip me."
I finally finished getting dressed. He prefers when I wear minimal make-up, so I kept it simple with nude lipstick and eyeliner. He thinks I am beautiful with no make-up. He can still make me blush. Matt never saw what I was wearing, and I put on a coat, so it would be a surprise. We talked on the way to The Waterside Inn. I am loving how affectionate he is and what a perfect gentleman he is. Opening car doors, helping me step out, kissing my hand, and even pulling out chairs.
We arrived in perfect time and were seated almost immediately. Being the gentleman that he is, he helped me take off my coat. He caught a glimpse of the dress. (I need to e-mail the designer and thank him properly because it made my husband say, "Damn. You are wearing the hell out of that dress.") Body courtesy of Pilates and yoga. I enjoyed teasing him, and you know how you can feel that someone is undressing you with their eyes? I felt that. Confidence is the sexiest non-physical attribute, and my confidence was already high. Tonight, it went through the roof. I made sure he got the back view, too. That was intentional. I love flirting with him. Something old and familiar is new and exciting.
Every course of dinner was perfect. Food wise, wine wise, company wise, and conversation wise. It felt like we were the only two people in the place. That is what it feels like to be lost in your own world and tuning everything out. I love that feeling. I am grinning like a Cheshire. I am 100 shades of happy right now, and my heart is full of love.
I am happy that we took this little end of the week break. I dislike being at odds with Matt, and I missed him terribly when he was gone. I think that is probably why I ran into his arms when he walked in that night. I dislike arguing with him and seeing him hurting. I feel what he feels, and it pains me to know that I hurt him. We are committed to moving past this and learning every step of the way. I feel like he finally believes me when I tell him how sorry I am and how I may not deserve his trust again, but I will do what it takes to earn it back. He probably heard the words before, but it did not resonate. Now, I believe it is. I hope the healing can begin.
I am having lunch with Si tomorrow, so we are working on our friendship. We have healing to do, and we need to talk. She is an important part of my life and a huge chunk of history in my novel of life. I do not what capacity she will remain in my life. That is to be determined. Right now, we are focusing on the friendship angle. I have always believed in establishing a solid friendship before getting romantically involved with anyone. I am glad we did because we have a starting point. "Before there was an us, we were friends." I am very hopeful regarding this.
Will actually practising poly be part of my life again once this journey is done? I really do not know. It is still too soon to rule it out or to make any life changing decisions. The emotions are still high and have not levelled out completely. What I do know is that I am living in this moment, living every day like it is my last, and enjoying learning about myself and becoming a better version of me. I am not missing anything or desiring anything more at this moment. I love my husband, and I appreciate him for putting up with me, accepting my flaws, and giving me the chance to right my wrongs. I am finding my footing after my entire world was shaken. Poly will always be part of me. Be it via who I was, who I am now, and even who I am destined to be.
With that being said, I am off to cuddle with my hubby. I want to be in his arms right now and enjoy the rest of our night. Good-night.