I am sorry you are all hurting and that after 3.5 months nothing has changed.
I went back and read your initial thread. I understand feeling selfish. I am there right now, and the fallout is still happening. I am poly at heart and living mono by choice and working my bum off to save my marriage and family. My reasons for selfishness stem from various reasons. I, too, had the husband who just gave, gave, gave and kept accommodating for this reason or that reason so that I could be happy, be myself, and have everything I wanted. He ended up resenting me and stopped trusting me. I want to stop anyone from making the same mistakes I did.
Your situation is complex. You have the husband of 17 years, who was open to poly, but probably is truly mono. That is okay and perfectly fine. You saw a childhood friend/flame at a party three months ago, and it just swept you off your feet. It unlocked all those old feelings. It sounds like he is the one who got away. This guy has a wife in name only--as they have not been intimate in a year or however long--and children, who the wife does not want exposed to poly. Your relationship is like a secret affair. I think that was how you coined it. That is her right as their mother. You stated that you had your problems with that. Did you ever work those issues with that out?
I wonder how much the wife really knows since you and her have not talked. When you posted back in March, the four of you were not able to sit down and talk. The wife was not going for it, and I think your husband was not game with it either. This polyship is not working. Have you and the wife talked? Has your husband offered to renegotiate any of the boundaries? Have you sought a poly-friendly counsellor?
Your husband is still hurting. The boundaries are probably still up in the air. The wife said no intercourse. It is way too many dynamics working against each other. Namely two important people who are reluctant and have limits. Are those limits hard or soft? Who knows? Could you and your boyfriend go against what your husband and his wife say/want? Sure, but if you do, how much are you willing to lose to attain that goal?
I would strongly suggest taking a step back and giving it some breathing room. If you keep pushing, it will consume your entire world and create more pain than necessary. Tears, sadness, unhappiness, etc. do not belong in your lives day in and day out. What kind of existence is that? GalaGirl has excellent suggestions. None of which are easy, but living like this is not healthy for anyone involved. Your boyfriend can stay in your life. Is it really worth it when you only get to see him a couple of hours and cannot have the type of relationship you desire? You want dates, intimacy, and a real relationship, which is something he might not be able to give you right now. In the end, is it worth hurting people to get a fraction of what you want/need?
I cannot tell you how to feel, but I do know that feeling guilty about who you are or feeling selfish will weigh you down. I am walking that path, and you know in almost 18 years of being polyamorous, I am struggling to see any benefits in my life. You are who you are. If you cannot accept it, no one else will either. You have reached the first of many poly crossroads.
I wish you well, and I know it is hard. One way or the other, you will figure out what you need to do.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3.5) children.