my troubles with posting here
This may sound related but I wrote all of this before I noticed the rating thing, I actually do think that is pretty funny.
I've written a lot in the past week but I can't seem to put it out here. I'm not sure why I thought this blog would be exempt from my communication freeze ups. I wrote a whole post about some conversations Jasper and I had while he was here. Then I went to look for a bit of something I had written before about the 'Not Having A Plan' point and everything I had written that day was the exact opposite of what I had just written. In high school I was quite delighted by Emerson but I haven't thought about his writings in many years but the moment made me think of this. “Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today.” I would like to write the blog that way because parts of me still wish to express both things but I hate that now I'm not sure what I think. Is that difference supposed to mean something? Is it a change? is it growth? Is one of them a lie? Am I simply feeling more peaceful than I was weeks ago?
I've also been reminded recently why I stopped participating in internet forums years ago. They always seem to breed drama and I've never been one of those people who can just say anything because its the internet. I've debated giving up continuing to write here entirely. I'm not really doing it for the public nature of it, I'm doing it to work through my thoughts and kick start communication with my partners. When I started I was so concerned about what reaction my partners might have that I didn't have any concern for what anyone else might think at all. I'm a bit disappointed in myself that I'm already getting tangled up in how it's presented.
Everything has positives and negatives. I've found a lot of positives in reading and posting here. I never held the fantasy that I wouldn't be judged whether publicly or privately but this board seems like an odd place to throw stones. So many of us have bared our mistakes and missteps and our insecurities and flaws. It was that exposure that led me to want to write here though I don't consider others mistakes quite as ugly as mine. I want to allow myself to shine a light on everything, including the ugly. To be perfectly honest, I'm not sure I'm a good person. I try to make the best decisions, I try to treat people well. I'm never going to stand up and talk about how great my morals are though. I don't think I have everything in life figured out. I don't see things very black and white. My primary value is freedom. I believe the best I can do is to keep reminding myself that everyone is different and I can't let myself believe I completely understand them or their situation. I find my most fundamental problem in relating to people in general is that so commonly people think that what works for them is best for everyone else. It simply isn't enough for many people to enjoy their freedom and leave others to their own.
Its hard not to be affected by some of the stories here and its hard not to comment. Its frustrating how often someone describes a heartbreaking situation and then immediately makes a 180 and starts defending it when the comments come in. Sure you can just not look, but it takes a better person than me to just ignore everything that bothers you. Reading others' stories certainly inspires many thoughts I feel compelled to write about but I'm not sure that's such a great idea. I've thought about using this blog space to write about "types" of situations thinking that might be less confrontational as I've seen others do but that seems a little passive aggressive or something. I'm not sure where I feel the line is between expressing inspiration you've gained from someone else and just talking about other people.
It is a little disappointing to see generalized finger pointing from others who have also bared their significant mistakes here. Again, we all handle guilt and consequences differently and perhaps a little misdirection can smooth ones feelings for their own decisions. Obviously my own guilt leads me to react at all. I am a deeply flawed person. Occasionally I do think that makes me unworthy of love. Thankfully there are at least two people in the world who do not agree. In the interest of not being completely ungrateful and dismissive of that, I am trying to work past my feelings of unworthiness. I can only move forward and focus on things that are actually productive in our relationship now. It is true, I would not prefer to cast aside bonds I have shared for many years in the name of starting over with a clean slate. I'm never going to be perfect. The other half of that decision is not mine. I think that's a matter for another post. So I'll leave off here, I know I am the luckiest idiot ever to have these two people in my life. I'm not going to feel bad about it any longer. So actually, thanks for the breakthrough on that!