I was going to attempt to respond from my phablet, but I said forget that. I need the full keyboard on my laptop, so I waited until I got back to my hotel.
I have no idea where to start. He lives with his ex, who is the mother of his two children and her family? Are you moving in with them, or are the five of you moving into a place together? If it was already precarious, then I am not sure that is a good idea.
I think you moved way too fast. You thought about it for a week, and this has been five days? What did you think about over the course of that week? A mono to poly relationship takes a lot of communication, work, and reassurance. Your worries are normal and to be expected. Especially when you move that fast. I understand being open minded, free spirited, flying with the wind, and everything else.
How did it go from him being with both of you as the hinge in a V to it being a triad? I am puzzled by the "our" girlfriend thing. You speak of wanting to make him happy, but you say nothing about her. Are you only with her to make him happy, or do you genuinely have a romantic interest in her? There are a list of ways to do poly.
I understand wanting to please someone and making them happy, but does he feel the same about you? He wants you to magically get over your insecurities in this short amount of time? How unrealistic is that?
Do you have interests and hobbies outside of him? Too much togetherness is suffocating. I am of the mentality that I need to be away from someone so that I will have the chance to miss them. I second what BG said. You need to do something for yourself and be in control of your happiness. Just as he does. Just as she does.
As far as being jealous/envious of her, that is to be likely normal in a LDR. She gets to sleep next to him at night. She gets to see him and touch him every day. She gets the physical side that you will have soon. Anybody would feel that way. I really do not have any advice on that because you are moving there.
As far as your two rules, I think they are not ridiculous. In a poly relationship, it is perfectly acceptable to have needs like alone time, wanting to sleep next to that person, and so on and so forth. If he or she has a problem with it, that is a problem. How long have you and your fiance been together?
I would also suggest that you stop doing things out of your comfort zone if you are not really into them. I would do things because I wanted to. Not because it would make someone else happy. Not because it is what they want either. Stop saying yes or being a yes-woman. It is okay to have opinions, thoughts, feelings, views, wants, and needs of your own.
I need to figure out what else to say to this.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.