This blog seems to have put me at odds with myself. I want to reveal but I want to hide. I want to get it out of my head but I don't want to open up a can of worms. I don't want to worry what other people think but I feel like defending myself.
I've been writing a lot lately but can't seem to organize my thoughts enough to post. I thought I'd take a break and intentionally embarrass myself by writing about another love in my life.
I love these guys from this band. I'd be more specific but I think that would be the most identifying characteristic about me on the internet. I mean I deeply love them as people. I've introduced them to my mother. Sometimes I make myself feel terrible about it because gosh that is just so pathetic and juvenile. I fell in love with them musically first. Just the sound they made. Then the things they said, in songs and in interviews. Often I wish it had stayed there.
But then we met about 8 years ago... I was incredibly shy at that time in my life. Just going to their shows was a lot more exposure to people than I was ready for. One day we're at this festival and the lead singer just walked by. I made Herman ask him to take a picture with me. Instead this guy grabbed me and hugged me so tight that I kind of freaked out. There was another band playing at the time and we couldn't really hear each other so that was that. Ok crazy hug aside that was fairly normal. The next time a year later I was minding my own business taking a picture of the ocean and I felt someone bump into me. It's him. He just starts talking about seals. Somehow during this conversation he convinces me to go to Mexico which I've had an irrational fear of as far back as I can remember. I don't believe he remembered having met me before but it was so weird.
Another time I waited in line for this official meet and greet thing where I met another guy from the band. I asked him for a hug once and I've never had to ask again. I was telling him about how his music is the only thing that has ever totally cleared my mind. He made some comment about how I should be careful because that kind of thing is addictive. I was kind of offended because he is a former drug addict and I'm like the one anti-drug education success story who was scared enough to never touch anything ever. I just didn't like the addiction word being thrown at me by this guy who doesn't know me at all. I'm not sure what he picked up on in those few sentences, he was right though.
I started going to more and more shows and things got weirder. I always stood in the same spot up front and so the entire band began to remember my face. This period of time was a big deal for me too because I was extremely shy and sort of afraid of doing anything on my own and so I was traveling on my own and exposing myself to lots of people on purpose. Accomplishing those things by seeing them was easier because... well because I was in love with them. The first time I went to NYC I was alone and absolutely terrified. Someone yelled something at me from down the street and when I looked back it was their drummer. He made fun of me for being in NYC when he'd just seen me in San Francisco a week before. (Yeah addicted was the right word) He might have the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met and little did he know, he saved me from having Herman come get me because I was so scared of the city at that moment. We are sort of friends now I guess, our relationship consists mostly of us busting on each other about everything.
Of course in those first meetings I was floored to be in the presence of those guys who make those sounds but they are incredibly down to earth and real, kind people. I've had a lot of conversations with the 3 of them and they were often really strange personal kind of things. Later that year I had told the singer I was bringing my mom to a show and they made this huge production of playing a song I had never got the chance to hear live before and dedicating it to me. Apparently they got the (hugely embarrassed) reaction they wanted because this sort of became a thing they did repeatedly to mess with me. They were aware of my goals in traveling and meeting people and I think this was also their way of telling thousands of people my name which over the years has resulted in a lot of potential friends approaching me. In fact one of those people is Jasper. I am not sexually attracted to any of them so thankfully that type of crush is not part of it, but love is there. I'd call it obsession but man there are fans so much worse than me its scary and I've always made a point to show some restraint, and treat them like actual people and not objects. Seriously people can be really terrible. Perhaps for that reason, I know they share some fondness for me too, no matter how much I try to ground myself and be realistic. I could fill a whole blog of its own with the crazy experiences we've shared and the innumerable kindnesses they've shown me over the last 8 or 9 years. They've shaped my life in fairly major ways. I've withdrawn some in the last few years (by that I mean I tearfully told them I wouldn't be around for awhile because I genuinely believed they might have worried) and while I think it was the right thing for me, I miss them a lot. When I look back I feel like I must have imagined the whole thing. I still feel stupid about my feelings sometimes though. It's sort of the craziest poly relationship between me and them and all their fans who now know me by name and Jasper who I'd argue is more in love with them than I am but in a bit different way. Believe me, it affected our relationship like any triad would. That's a post for another day as I'm sure it will be an issue again some day.
Ok so I am friendly with mid level celebrities. They wish me happy birthday, they ask about me if they see Jasper without me, we catch up about ourselves when we talk rather than me blathering on about fangirl nonsense. But why do I have to love them? Why do I miss them when we aren't really close enough for me to reach out to them? Why do I worry about them? I have phone numbers but I wouldn't call unless I needed to. I assume they have hundreds of people contacting them online daily so I don't go that route unless it's a joke and I don't care if it lands or not. I can't say we're really friends. Yeah we care for each other, we all would and have done things for each other I wouldn't count on from just anyone. But come on! I'm 30, I can't love guys from a band! and certainly we are growing apart. I'm not in love with their most recent album, their fanbase has taken a turn I don't care for and in all those years we've all changed as people. One of them is going through a phase (I hope!) that looks way too similar to my dad's and I'd rather not be around to see it in person but I still love him and I worry for him and how it will affect the rest of the group. I hate that I'm not in as much contact with them or my other friends from shows just because I don't want to go as often. In the end its just another time I have so much to say and so little ability to express it. I feel so lame. Why I am posting this stuff voluntarily?