It is exceedingly hard. I am in for the challenge of a lifetime, and I never knew quite what to expect, so I started this journey blindly. Of all the people who are in my life, they are either mono and open minded or poly with varying levels of open/close mindedness. None of them had transitioned from one to the other, so they struggled to understand. Some of them still do not, and I have lost people. I am okay with that. It is a brand new kind of me, and I am seeing this all the way through. No need to thank me. I am doing what helps me get through every day: writing and getting these thoughts out. I still do no what is on the other side of the mono door, but I am okay with that and dealing with it as it comes.
The hardest part has been integrating the way my life used to be with the way it is now while continuing to work on my marriage via counselling and trying to earn my husband's trust back. It is a slow moving process, and while we are working together, we are also working separately on ourselves. Matt is not comfortable getting comfortable with the idea of it being two of us. He is awkward around me and keeping me at bay and almost at a safe distance. I know that stems from him not trusting me with his heart, but it still hurts that he would rather not get too close for fear of being hurt by me again.
Due to my breakup still being fresh and just weeks old, I do not feel that I am denying myself of anything. I have my hands full with the marriage, our children, my career, working on my friendship with Si, and just everything. I do not have the time to miss what I may or may not ever actually want. Do I have moments where I miss Si being my girlfriend? Yes, but I come back down to earth and reality and realise that right now, that is the last thing I need to be thinking about.
I am hoping to be a better wife, a better listener, and just an overall better person. I need to learn the art of balanced compromise. Matt was giving, giving, giving, and I sat down and realised I have not given up anything. He gave up his ideals, principles, and moral beliefs. He gave up his idea of marriage. It was always him making concessions and compromises. It was always him having to share or make adjustments to be accommodating. The scales of balance were horrible. I want to learn to not take my husband and our family for granted. I did that and nearly lost everything. I played Russian Roulette, and it was a stupid choice. I banked on Matt being that solid, stable relationship who would always be there, and I was complacent. Silly me. I am learning.
I see very few positives because I caused so much damage in my journey of polydom. I sacrificed family, friends, my husband, my marriage, my family, and everything just so that I could say, "No one was blocking my greatness or trying to fit me into a box." I did not realise the level of devastation until it was all said and done. I saw it happening, but I never processed it. It was a humbling experience and one hell of a rude awakening. I am now...wide awake. This may or may not change. At the current moment, the negatives are outweighing the positives by a landslide.
My advice to a newbie. Listen to your partner(s) and hear them out when they tell you what they need. Keep reading my blog, and there will be a million and one insightful thoughts.
I do not believe they will ever be friends. Matt has made is clear and ran around in circles saying it, but he is 110% sure he does not want a friendship. He has to work with Si, but once the clock strikes x time, she is out of his mind and not even a distant thought. I think it will affect parenting. Seeing as how we are moving thousands of km away, I wonder how the dynamics will work out. With that, I have to take it step by step and worry about it later. There is a lot to consider.
Thank you. I am a mum, and any mother will tell you we are the strongest people in the world. Once you survive labour, everything else pales in comparison! My thoughts are all over the map. The best thoughts strike me during the wee hours of the AM. The insomniac in me thrives and feels the need to think like crazy. Drives me positively batty! I hope all is well on your side of the world!