I am unsure if I have a soft or hard limit. I will never be apart of a triad.
You do not have to be in a triad. But you ARE in a polyship right now. A "V" of 3 people.
you + [
The wife is the shared sweetie hinge person in the "V."
The question is if you want to STAY in this polyship like it is.
If I formed a relationship with someone else of my own, it would be so I would be more like her. Not because I actually cared for the person I was in a relationship with. (Which is unfair to everyone)
Then you seem to know that you are monoamorous. (The want, desire or capacity to love only one person at a time.)
It seems like you may be facing this question:
- Am I monoamorous for myself but willing to be in a poly relationship configuration as a V-arm with wife as the hinge?
- Am I monoamorous for myself and willing to be only in a monogamous relationship configurations?
Sex is the trigger but I don't know whether its unsafe or not, to save myself pain I refrain from asking about it at all, she is a lesbian and has only had relations with woman, so I don't know how unsafe that can be.
So you experience pain. This does not
feel safe to you. (Mentally safe -- because this causes painful thoughts? Emotionally safe -- because this causes painful feelings?)
You could examine more deeply like NYCindie suggests, to determine if you have a soft or a hard limit on this.
Then if it turns out to be a hard limit? It just IS. A monoship is your preference for relationship model so you can feel best in.
Neither shapes are right or wrong in general. But when you guys do not match in desired shape? It's not matching, and not compatible.
Have you both talked it out? Considered if breaking up IS the most healthy thing here for all parties? Don't avoid having the conversation just because it is scary or sad or...
Could accept this is just a stinky time right now for BOTH.
Could decide to speak to FUTURE then -- where is the path to a less stinky future for both then? So both can arrive there? What is each willing and not willing to do?