ON "PIE" for META-COMMUNICATING
I got a compliment the other day about the kid from two random adults -- how she's amazingly articulate and expresses herself so clearly. I was grateful for the feedback. We try hard to build up her communication skills.
Was also recently quizzing the kid on her school vocab list thing and when I asked her "What does 'author purpose' mean?" she goes "PIE!" I was perplexed until she continued "To persude, to inform, or to entertain. PIE! It is PIE!"
I was amused at the thought that bubbled up next in my head "Be nice to get more PIE!"
It reminded me of William Penn on conversation:
Rules of Conversation
- Avoid Company where it is not profitable or necessary; and in those Occasions speak little, and last.
- Silence is Wisdom, where Speaking is Folly; and always safe.
- Some are so Foolish as to interrupt and anticipate those that speak, instead of hearing and thinking before they answer; which is uncivil as well as silly.
- If thou thinkest twice, before thou speakest once, thou wilt speak twice the better for it.
- Better say nothing than not to the Purpose. And to speak pertinently, consider both what is fit, and when it is fit to speak.
- In all Debates, let Truth be thy Aim, not Victory, or an unjust Interest: And endeavor to gain, rather than to expose thy Antagonist.
- Give no Advantage in Argument, nor lose any that is offered. This is a Benefit which arises from Temper.
- Don’t use thy self to dispute against thine own Judgment, to shew Wit, lest it prepare thee to be too indifferent about what is Right: Nor against another Man, to vex him, or for mere Trial of Skill; since to inform, or to be informed, ought to be the End of all Conferences.
- Men are too apt to be concerned for their Credit, more than for the Cause.
Also reminded me of 7 essential interpersonal skills.
Short excerpt from a response of mine on this thread.
When staying silent and being communicative leads to the same space? I'd suggest going communicative. State willing to try. Then YOU at least are being present and accountable at the negotiation table. Not showing up at all stinks worse.
If communicating leads to the same place as silence, what is left?
Showing up = being willing, intent of trying to connect.
Not showing up = not connecting at all, maybe distancing.
The other people have to attend the meeting and be present to for it to fly of course. But could not let it bomb because YOU were missing and not present. This matters to you? SHOW UP to the table. Keep going -- esp with the NVC skills learning.
If both are at the table? That's good. Then maybe the next baby step could be investigating your conflict resolution method? Perhaps experimenting with different ones until you get a method that serves you both better?
HOW you communicate things is as important and WHEN and WHAT you communicate.
I think it's hopeful that while struggling, both are still willing to keep trying and are still showing up to the table.
There's the missing thing at the table though.
The toggles are (show up/not show up) and (connect/not connect.) So the Punnet square ends up at
- show up and connect
- show up and do not connect
- don't show up and connect
- don't show up and don't connect
Again... given those possible choices? "Show up even if don't connect" is better to me than "don't show, don't connect!"
But knowing other options are in the square could help? That's the metacommunicate.
Maybe people aren't ready to connect in face time. Could visit the stepping stone #3 option -- connect by email, letters first to smooth the path before attempting a face time option?
Maybe it's just me. I like negotiating and giving people places to go and pointing out COULDS.
On the poly front the adage of "communicate, communicate, communicate" is good only so far. Great that you keep trying and show up to the table. Certainly nothing can be moved forward in collaborative mode when players are just not connecting.
But talking on and on and getting nowhere just hamster wheels. Goes round in circles. Sometimes have to take a step back to break out and move it to "metacommunicate" and examine the HOW.
How are you communicating? Does it serve? Or not? And if one of the basics of "metacommunicate" is to examine if the method employed for communication is serving the purpose? Well, PIE it then.
IS there PIE being served? Maybe that's a Shiny Thought starting place?
"My purpose is X. When I communicate to my partner, do I give my partner the right PIE? Am I persuading? Informing? Or Entertaining? Which vehicle is appropriate to the purpose at hand? "
One of my exes used to crack jokes from nervousness whenever we'd have to talk about something serious and it would piss me off. "Entertain pie" was SO not the right pie at that time. I wanted information pie from the conversation.
I would have preferred to get info pie of "I am not willing to disclose right now." That's honest info.
Jokes? No so much. Blah. That's side tracking, unclear, and can be taken as avoidy/not recognizing what is important to me at the moment. My need for information pie.
I have to think about this PIE thing some more.
"Rules of conversation" or "7 essential skills as guidelines" kinds of concepts is a lot for kid to digest and learn or me to even try to teach. Layers can come over time. One snippet here and there as teachable moment arises.
For now just PIE will do. So now that I know she understands that, I get to just ask her "Are you giving me PIE?" when she's not being clear to me.
Which is very
Now I have to go try to PIE my friends -- esp those in Open or Poly situations and see how the PIE flies. Ha.