I love how the whole tone of my blog has changed since we've been back on here. I'm so excited to have a metamour I can actually talk to. Who isn't so insecure to take everything as an attack, but actually talks about things.
Poor Pixi got caught in the middle of Karma and I fighting yesterday. He's been really sick and we're both over sensitive when we're sick. I woke up late b/c I haven't been sleeping with him being up and down all night. I wake up to find that the temp agency he's been working for ended his job. Surprise! No income. Then he says he's taking a shower. Now the thing about Karma is he LIVES in the shower. Especially when he's sick. So I thought nothing of it. He gets out of the shower and is dressed and asks if I'm okay with Pixi coming over. I said no.
My gut reaction to anything when I'm trying to process things is no. Had I had a bit more time to think I could have said, "not right this minute. Can I get a shower and take care of some things around the house first? Maybe give me an hour or two?" But I wasn't at that level of reasoning yet when she called and he tells her to head over. Gets off the phone and tells me she'll be here in a little bit. Awesome. I try to jump in the shower but the hot water tank hadn't refilled yet so I started cleaning.
Somewhere in the was the mention of me being upset and him asking if I want him to call and tell her not to come. Well no, you already told her to come over and by now she's probably already gone (point proven when she rang the buzzer 5 min later). I felt really disrespected. Why even bother asking if I am okay with it if you're going to ignore my answer and do what you want anyway?
We end up fighting again with her there and I felt really bad about her being stuck in the middle so I kept trying to kill it before it exploded. His way to kill it was to leave. Now normally that is the mature adult way to handle something. But it triggered me (Damn those triggers and there sneaky sneaky). Long ago when we would fight instead of talking it out, he'd take off with Cricket and talk shit about me. This led to a lot of the her against me drama because one minute he's pushing us to get along and the next he's bad mouthing me to her. So my brain had a moment of "so we've devolved back to him running away and talking shit instead of talking it out and fixing it, awesome."
I get a hold on my brain and they come back and do some stuff on the computer while I watch tv. We're all being civil and then the next thing I know he starts a movie on the computer. I again felt disrespected and found it to be really rude. In reality he was so out of it he equated it to being the same as when it's just us, he just forgot the part where he wears headphones when it's just us. So in order to not put Pixi in an uncomfortable spot again,and to be able to hear the tv, and take the hint that they want to be alone, I go to the bedroom.
Cue his trigger. In the beginning of our poly adventure, this was my way of getting away from things I was not okay with. I'd disappear to the bedroom in order to decompress and think through my feelings without having everything thrown in my face. I would also go to the bedroom to avoid being in the same room as Cricket. So he took my retreat as a sign of disapproval. When in my reality I wanted to hear the tv and took his lack of asking if I wanted to watch whatever it was they were watching as his way of telling me they wanted 'them' time. So I chose to give them that.
Hours later I came out to ask him to let me know when he was done with computer as I needed to print somethings for my interview today. He says it was said with attitude, attitude was not intended, it was really just a question, but regardless he asks me what my issue is and I tell him when we can sit down and talk we will.
Shortly after Pixi left and we talked. Lots of miscommunication, triggers and things taken in the wrong way. By the end of the night we had talked it out and were fine. We both acknowledged the triggers and their play on how things were taken on an emotional level.
But the really awesome part was talking to Pixi today. I apologized for putting her in that spot of having to be around when we fought and wanted to make sure she knew it was not her fault. We talked about it, she mentioned that she thought it was odd that he hadn't asked me about the movie and then asked if I was okay with her bringing things like that up when it crosses her mind.
Wait...what? Really? There was no fighting, no drama, no bull shit. Just adults being adults. This is so amazing to me I'm almost at a loss as what to do. So I told her I was fine with that, as long as it was done in a constructive way and she didn't feel that she needed to be his baby-sitter. After 11 yrs together we know each other pretty well. I was expecting yesterday to happen, just not in the way it did. I appreciate her concern, I just don't want her to feel like she has to be his keeper or a marriage therapist. If something is bothering her or doesn't seem right, please by all means speak up.
It's just amazing to me that Karma and I can now recognize triggers and recognize behaviors that we need to change and we can work that out. And I have a metamour who is level headed and just as invested in she and I as she is their relationship as she is our marriage. We talk daily about anything and everything, we all hang out together, I enjoy her company.
We're in such a different and amazing place than we were in the beginning. And that has as much to do with finding the right partner as it does with the work we put in to being good partners.
And the best part of the moment is she'll be meeting my brother and his family. I've never felt that comfortable. I've never been okay with a metamour meeting my family. Not that I was uncomfortable with my brothers reaction, because he's been nothing but supportive. But that I wasn't okay introducing any of Karma's g/f's to my family, especially my niece and nephew, because I wasn't okay with them as a person.
Other parts of my life may be kind of crazy and stressful as usual, but it's great to finally look at the past and the lessons learned and see it all put into action. I still have moments where I'm uncomfortable with something, but I don't feel the need to blog about it anymore because we have to tools to deal with it. I don't need to write it out and sort through it, because I can recognize it for what it is and take the steps to fix it.