Kevin, your story just touched my heart. It also made me think of this elderly couple I met a few years ago when I was working at this facility. The husband was in the facility, and he had Alzheimer's. I do not believe he was aware of who he was, who his wife was, or his surroundings. She visited him every single day. They had been married for who knows how long. We were in his room one day, and she was telling us about the first signs of him having Alzheimer's and how it had progressed over time. She told us about this song that they used to love and used to sing together. Something about her singing that song unlocked that piece of him. He was humming it, and it made me cry. When he remembered that, it meant the world to her.
Guilt is inevitable. It shows that you are human. Sadness is normal, too. It shows compassion and empathy for someone else. You were angry, and I think most people would be under those circumstances. It is hard to watch a loved one suffer and to know that there is nothing you can do about it.
It may not seem like she knows that you are there now, but somewhere in her heart, she knows and feels it. I believe she would want you to be happy and to be loved in a way that she cannot love you.
I hope I have the chance. I miss my hubby and best friend. We had this very odd connection that defied all logic and reason. He would get on my nerves, but I missed him like crazy. He always had something smart to say or some retort, but I was never able to get mad because it made me smile. Now, he is here physically and sometimes emotionally, but I miss the essence that was us. I miss our inside jokes. I miss the way he used to hold me and even the way he used to say my name. Something in the way he said it would erase any and all of my worries. I miss feeling his love and warmth.
I feel so distant from him now. I know he is hurting and feels better keeping me at a distance. Reaching him seems like an impossible mission. I want to believe it will sink in, but every actions says the exact opposite. Case and point. He walked in about 30 minutes ago, asked me how my day was, took a shower, peeped his head in the kitchen to say that he will be back around 8, and left. I felt like his roomie right then.
I think things can be healed. It is going to take time. A lot of time and baby steps. The good news is he is committed to working on our marriage, so all hope is not lost, yet.
I am trying not to give up. A happy ending would be nice. Thank you again for the story. As always, your input is always right on time and very insightful.